Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. However... I do need some advice from you regarding some of God's specific laws and how to best follow them.
a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
g) Lev 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. How should they die?
i) I know from Lev 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev 24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal, unchanging and idiotic.
- Puzzled But Devout.
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Comments (16)
Unregistered
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Plainly put: God is a cunt! But luckily, it is all in the mind! (and non-core John is an abomination in the purity of that mind!) - An Archist |
Sanchez
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Humanity is poisoned with this ignorant, superstitious claptrap called religion, be it christian, muslim, jewish or whatever, it's all a mental illness. there will be no progress until people snap out of this moronic nonsense. Taxing the bastards would be a fine start! |
Ricardovitz
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For ye not know enough to know what ye is really saying. We must all pray for the ignorant and the lemming, the anarchist, and the drug guzzling hippies - which are really all one and the same. For anarchy is just the vehicle which will lead the world to the Lord's salvation in its aftermath. Without anarchy we cannot have the Judgment Day and the resurection of our Lord. So, we are praying for y'all. |
Ricardovitz
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a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? Answer: No, not at all - you must pray for them so that they come to understand the Lord and what the Lord requires. You must pray that the world comes to understand sacrafice. b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? Answer: Your daughter is a whoremonger because that is the way you have raised her. She is but a reflection of yourself, and an abomination to the image of God. Only those that, through actions which are an abomination to the Lord, create whorelots of their daughters will be sanctioned to provide a better life for them through slavery. Then for your embrace of perversion and spreading of whoredome to the world, will burn for all eternity for your sin against humanity. c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. Answer: You engage in perversion, unfavorable to the Lord, by asking a woman unwed to yourself, about such things. For this you will burn. But, for those who are married, the wife's duty is to keep her husband informed of the unclean days, and not to engage in fruitless sexual adventures during this time. Not only is it unclean, but it serves no productive purpose to engage in sexual activity with a dutiful wife during this time. The Lord despises Unproductives. d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? Answer: All defeated nations are considered "neighboring nations" - this is the proper translation of the ancient hebrew. It makes no nevermind whether the defeated nation is Mexico, Canada, or Africa. In the South, we adhear to this commandment in spirit, and when the South rises again, we shall once again make Gods Law our Law. e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? Answer: No you are not. For every day that your neighbor works on the Sabbath and is not put to death by the Lord, it is proof that Our Beloved Lord is just and merciful. f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Answer: Homosexuality is clearly an abomination, as all of Sodom and Gamora were destroyed by the Lord by a precursor to AIDS on account of such perversion and unproductive activity. Regarding eating insects of the sea, the Lord protects those who listen to him by saving them from the virulant diseases that inflict these nasty water insects. If you want to be a dummy and eat raw oysters, then you take the chance of eating infected bug-shit served up by the Lord for not listening. g) Lev 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? Answer: Back in the day of the hebrew, there was no such thing as reading glasses. And, in front of the Lord's Altar were angry animals waiting to be sacrificed. The Lord commandement is intended to protect the blind from dangers that then-existedn in approaching his mighty Altar. h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. How should they die? Answer: The hebrews mistakenly interpret this directive from the Lord. Clearly, the Lord in all of the ancient texts is obsessed with cleanliness, and will even go so far as to require that penis flesh be trimmed for purposes of clenliness. It is an abomination unto the Lord for ancient hebrews and misguided jews to permit their hair to become ratty, unclean, burly and wild. Clearly the Lord desires that men keep their beards shaven, their heads of hair cut or shaven, and women's bodies shaven as well. i) I know from Lev 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? Answer: I recon I had to study up on this one. The truth is that the ancient hebrews didn't even know what a pig was - they didn't live in that part of the world, as they were mostly living in the great forests of northern Europe. So, clearly the hebrews didn't get this one right. In fact, it is proven that their anin't even any mention of "pigs" in any of the ancient texts. We know know that the genuine translation was "camel", not pig. God just don't want you eating camel meat because this animal was more productive and useful 10 fold as a beast of burden than for food. So, the Lord was really telling the dumb hebrews to stop slaughtering their camels for food. j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev 24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) Answer: Now, you're just misquoting scripture. There ain't noth'n in there about polymers and clothing, since they didn't exist. What the Lord was trying to explain to the dumb hebrews was to stop overfarming their land - they were using bad farming practices, and the Lord needed to educate them on how it was supposed to be done. And, like I said before, it ain't up to you to do the Lord's bidding for him - The Lord is full of mercy, and every day your horrid relatives continue to defy him is further testamony to the Lord's kindness, love and forgiveness of his people. But, the Lord has limits. He ain't about to put up with devil-arabs, and thus has lead his troops to fight against those who sing praises to the devil-allah. |
Ms Chu
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Ricky, if are representative of the folks "down south" then it certainly explains the results of the Civil War. |
agitprop
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Dont worry about little ol' Rick Mrs Chu, he's just a dog turd on the boot heel of U.S. history |
Ricardovitz
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Looky who's our President - George W. Bush, a Texan. Looky who was our former President - William Clinton, a good ole' boy from Arkansas. Even 'ole Commie Carter was from a peanut farm in Plains Georgia, just 'rond the corner from where I'm from. Hot damn! We ain't await'n any longer for the South to Rise Again. I done risen, and we run the place boys and girls. Yesssireee, we are once again a Confederate Nation, just as the Founding Fathers intended. |
Ricardovitz
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God blessed the South. There cain't be no doubt about that. The Good Lord graced us with beautiful mountains, fertile soil, warm weather, pleanty of rain and virgin pure streams and rivers. We can grow the most delicious fruits, vegitables, and greens. T'aint no dusty dirty deserts 'rond hear. T'aint no desert-dwellers and sand monkeys up in these parts. T'aint no homosexual orgy-towns 'round hear. We are simple folks who praise the Lord for all that he has given us, till the soil, keep our land for our own, and pay homage to this great land of Southern Appalachia that we claim as our Nation. Praise the Lord, pass the ammunition, and keep the freaks, fruits and hippies out. Simple rules for simple folks. |
Eddy
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Simple folks is right! Fuckin simpletons! Rick even thinks having the Shrub as president is some kind of success story! Jesus mate! Bush is the worst advertisement for "the south" that i can think of! Except for maybe you Ricki! Simple fuck! |
FlimFlamMan
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I think you've left out the best bit of the Bible. Y'know the part where Jesus walked out of the Garden of Gethsemane and fucked himself stupid for 20 years. That's my favourite part. |
Max
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I study the bible each day, as i do the tora and the koran... these ancient anthologies of delusion and misinformation hang on hooks in my dunny where each page serves its only practical purpose... keeping my arsehole clean! |
Ricardovitz
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Simple men control the destinies of rocket scientists, physicists, biologists, chemists, men like Einstine, Openheimer, Congreve, etc. They all work for simple men. Steve Jobs was no genius - he just knew how to assemble a team of geniuses. Bill Gates is a simpleton - he knew how to steal genius and make it/them his own. George Bush is a simple man. He runs our country - for two terms! No rocket science involved there. Complex and inteligent people are nothing more than tools sitting in a warehouse waiting to be put to productive use by the simple man. Again, to the simple man, Anarchism is nothing more than C4 explosive sitting on a shelf at a convenience store. For a price both can be purchased, molded and administered for the simple man's objective. Einstine never really did anything, yet he is thought of as the world's smartest man. Hitler accomplished quite a bit, yet history confirms that he was really nothing more than a simple man. Once again, the Bible has been misinterpreted. It does not say that the "meek" shall inherit the earth. Properly translated, it commands that the simple shall inherit the earth. And it is dead-on correct. Simple people are God's Chosen people. |
Unregistered
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Never underestimate the simplicity of a powerful man! Or maybe I meant: Never simplify the underestimations of a powerful man. Or ... forget it! - Confused again (dang!) |
Cunny Funt
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Religion makes me laugh. All those hare-brained drongos going ga-ga over ancient fairy tales. And for pissake Ricardo, get off the moonshine! |
Mr Normal
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Ricky believes anything that is 'big'. Anything that appears to have a majority of followers in his area. Like the Christian Bible, or the republican party etc. It is safe thinking this way and one can wave a flag happily thinking one is part of a winning team!! Yeeay!!! Go me!!! and my team!!! Yay!!! Ricky is middle America. Leave him alone! |
Mr Normal
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Also, there is nothing wrong with having an under developed brain. Intellectual bullies. Let that go back at high school and leave Ricky be. |
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