and I am too broke to afford a new set.
Should I just bash a pensioner and steal some
of their pension, or should I just squeeze one
of the Repellent Rodent's withered testicles
if I wish to hear a high "C" note?
I asked Professor Saunders of the IPA (Institute
of Parasitic Arseholes) and he just said,
"get a job you bludger!".
So I am now quite desperate.
I have come to trust your sensitive and human
approach to serious problems and I look forward
to your usual wise advice.
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Comments (7)
TOMTITMOUSE
said:
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You mean the Institute of Pubic Affairs? They are well respected group of thinkers, researchers, and peverts who are informing Governments and Corporations on all they need to know about Pubic Affairs. I subscribe to their newsletter and find it most informative. |
Ricardovitz
said:
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I never, ever condone stealing. one man has no right to take the belongings of another who has worked very hard to earn purchasing power. In fact, the Ten Commandments state: THOU SHALT NOT STEAL! But, the ten commandments say nothing of sacrificing an animal to make violin strings. Many urban and suburban areas are completely overrun by these furry pests called "cats". And, wouldn't you know it, that good quality violin strings used to be made out of cat-gut, i.e. the dried intestines of cats. That was before the PETA consipracy that lead to polymer based strings being used on violins. Now, the voilin sounds more like a cat in heat, and we have far too many cats screaming in the night. An industrial minded bum with no money can catch cats, slaughter them and use their hyde, meat and guts to benefit himself and humanity. All it requires is some milk, a little poison, a sharp too or knife, and a burlap sack. The bum can set traps to capture the cats, and then slaughter them. They should do this out in one of their bum camps on the outskirts of town, where they can gut, skin, and fillet the cat. He can cure the hyde with some salt and sodium nitrate, and use it to make a cat-fur blanket or cloting to keep him warm. He can eat the meat, or sell it to Vietnamese restaurants and make some good money. The intestines should be cleaned and cut into thin to very thin, even width strips and then twisted while they are still supple to give them that "rounded" characteristic. The bum will be surprised at how many violin strings he can get out of even one or two cats. After the strings have dried and cured, you need to cut them into the appropriate lengths. I recomend selling the strings in bulk to the nearest music store. If you sell them on a street corner, like most uneducated bums are inclined to do, they are more likely to have a run in with one of those PETA freaks. Sure, any old bum could take a PETA freak in a fight, mind you, but the PETA freak will go cry to her rich mommy, the cops, and PETA-ACLU drug-guzzling nutjobs, who will make sure that the bum never sees the light of day again. Best for the bum to keep begging for money on the stree corner, where the moronic PETA freaks will gladly give you pleanty of cash; and keep your little side business a secret. |
Chato
said:
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Thanks for your help Ricky, but I received a reply from John Howard. He advised a conservative approach, so I will follow plan "A" and bash and rob a pensioner. John did warn me that I should make sure that they are toothless first - like he did by removing the government dental scheme, although they still could give a nasty suck! |
Ricardovitz
said:
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There's way too much energy and not enough profit getting violin strings that way. If'n you just listen up and foller directions, you'd have yourself a little cottage industry. Their ain't any shortage of stray cats, just a shortage of people with enough tallent and stomach to twist their heads off and process their meat, fur and guts. Because you don't have to buy cats, and you sell off the products you make for cash, the money you will make is tax free, and your Fuherer cain't even get his hands on any of it. So, bein' from that pansey-socialist nation of Asstrailia, you just done doubled your take! Also, you would be doing society a favor by keeping down the cat population. Not to mention, little kitty cats really get off on having their heads twisted off. If you don't believe me, just ask the little kitty cat as you're twisting. I ain't never heard one complain. |
Chato
said:
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Ricky, I can't ignore the advice of the Oz Liberal Party. I checked with them, and they said that it's pensioners that are dragging the country down - stupid old John-loving harpies and bible-bashing cross-waving, frothing-at-the-mouth evangelistic loonies! I would be doing the community a power of good by gutting some of these brain-dead throwbacks to the days of witch-burnings, and ritual castrations and the like. I remember that the american psycho Ed Gein (a hero of John Howard's) made a lot of useful and decorative things out of the body parts of otherwise useless women. |
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