Dear Ricardovitz,
I understand you have experience with the rural lifestyle. I am trying to adapt my ways to it. I recently bought a 10 acre plot and plan to cultivate fruit and vegetables from the soil and maybe run a few sheep to keep the grass down.
Can you give any handy fucking farming hints to a beginner like me?
Awaiting your reply,
Mr Goldman Sachs
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Comments (7)
Farmer John
said:
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Well it seems that the georgian layabout is not responding so maybe I can give you some advice. Firstly, the soil is the wellspring of all wealth on a farm. You must fertilise, fertilise, fertilise. I use the tried and true method of Rudolf Steiner; I burn the testicles of the animals I want to cultivate and bury the ashes deep into the soil. A few prayers to Ahriman later and you will have an abundance the envy of your neighbours. Second, a good working staff is essential. Now unfortunately we can no longer buy human chattels so you will have to do with your garden variety illegal immigrant. Here in the highlands of Virginia we have many types and I prefer to use those of a rural extraction. Pay them a pittance but don't abuse their women, this has always worked out well for me. I hope these tips help and you can have a productive and wealth generating rural enterprise. Farmer John |
Ricardovitz
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Gotta have yer land first. You can farm somethin on jest 'bout most land - gotta know dirt. Dirt, seasons, 'n plantin times - fertilizer 'n bug juice help some. But lLand 'side to a branch that floods now 'n then is a good bet fer fine soil. Tain't none better. Still gotta fertilize. I got some fields run 'long side a branch off Stekoa creek. Good fer growin: blackberries, corn, cabage, muscadine, tomatos - even got a apple orchard. Thar's two companies in town that make all kind of jams, jellies, and whatnot from my blackberries muscadine 'n apples. I sell 'm all my #1's. Road-side stands git my #2's. I got me a feller who can process all my culls, if ya know what I mean. Corn fetches a good price - 'n what dern't sell goes ta my processin boy - fetches even better. Anywhoo - 10 acres is 'nuff fer farmin. Dern't know your climate. Better have water. I reckon yer smart to that by now. Gotta git yer field level and tilled. Plant whatever yer plantin in rows. Corn's 'bout the only thang I plant fom seed - thar rest I grow in a hothouse 'n then plant 'em as seedlins. 'Tween them rows you is gonna trench and pour a row of 6-6-6- with minerals right next to yer plantin row. Till yer field with lots of manure. I gone ta usin plastic keep them weeds out of my berries, but tain't gotta do that - jest gotta git ta pullin weeds. |
Trevor 'Pothead' Williams
said:
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I am also looking for some advice on horticulture matters. As I am lacking a green thumb I am wondering what are the easiest ways to grow plants of the hallucinogenic variety? Got any tips for a brother Ricky? Yours stoned and flying, Trev |
Ricardovitz
said:
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You folks who's thinkin 'bout using God's earth to grow yer dope ain't but bein thar Devil's farmhand. I reckon we got one er two of Satan's boys 'round here grow that Devil Letuce. I know ware they grow thar plantins at. Mostly grow it in the national forest 'tween Warwoman Dell and 'n round the Carolina border. Some folks take ta growin thar Devil Letuce dope in these here boxes strung tagether with hoses. They git 'em high up 'nuf on thar mountain - tain't no revenuer gonna know nothin 'bout it. These folks got cellars fer ta grow thar dope in winter - jest cart in thar boxes, one by one - string 'em up with hoses 'n whatnot. |
A Latte sipping Liberal
said:
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Christ, I'd have to be stoned to understand what that hillbilly is saying. |
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