Xenox News

Preacher Max Gross rips a page from the Good Book and puts it to good use in the dunnyDetermined to conquer the world in the name of End Times as writ in the Good Book, L’i’l W’s crooked, crusading Hole-in-the-Truth Gang continues to spew forth its hostile, holier-than-thou rhetoric. During her whirlwind With-Us-Or-Against-Us tour of Europe, newly elevated Secretary of State Condaleeza Reich put out more Yank flags and threatened Iran for daring to ignore Battlestar Amerikka’s provocative threats.

Amerikkka has stewed over Iran ever since its corrupt puppet dictator the Shah was overthrown in 1979 and an Islamic republic established. It’s too bad if the Iranians really are preparing to develop nukes but, after the Iraq war lies, nobody trusts the U.S.A. Too bad, to be sure, as all this plays straight into the hands of that patient old daddy-long-legs spider Osama Bin Laden. And then there’s North Korea.

Speaking of which… This week a Melbourne Age headline read “US Shrugs Off Nuclear Threat” – that’s the North Korean o­ne. You know the o­ne I mean, the crazy ning-nong place that actually DOES have nuclear missiles…

But, gee, it’s all so confusing. Weren’t GWB and co absolutely adamant that IRAQ - with NO nuclear weapons OR nuclear weapons programs OR nuclear weapons RELATED programs - posed an “imminent” global threat? Condy’s “mushroom cloud” and all that? But now, North Korea, with its vast standing army, massive stockpiles of “conventional” weapons, AND nukes, can be ‘shrugged off”? Weird!

They do grow peyote in the Texas badlands, don’t they? I guess that might explain it. Or did I just dream that? Or was I half-pissed watching Benny Hinn with the volume down and Jethro Tull turned way up o­n my headphones? Hmm, where’s that cup of rotgut? Where was I? Oh yeah… The nattily coiffed, spiffingly dressed and solemnly self-righteous Condy Reich should have stuck to her piano-playing. At least that way nobody got hurt unless they sat in the front stalls. Play it again, Condy? I don’t think so. In fact, forget the bloody curtain call and just bugger off, stage right, you sanctimonious, lying bitch!

Watching GWB and his goon squad ranting and reeling round the world waving their big stick, you couldn’t blame any nation for stocking up o­n WMD for defensive purposes, just in case the gumball crazy U.S.A. decides to attack them. Well, hell, using the “logic” of the Bush Doctrine, wouldn’t Iran or North Korea be justified in making a PRE-EMPTIVE strike o­n the U.S.A? I mean, the Bushies sound pretty "bloody "imminent", right?

As for the recent historic, landmark, milestone, momentous, turning point Iraqi elections, those Iraqis who dared vote clearly demonstrated their opposition to both the guerrillas and Amerikka’s COW (Coalition Of the Wilting) forces. Like sane people everywhere, most Iraqis just want the violence to stop.

To the Bush League’s horror, however, results show that the United Iraqi Alliance, the religious Shiite-led group which won 48 per cent of the vote, is set to dominate Iraq’s 275-seat National Assembly.

And while outsiders debate over whether Islamic law will form the basis of a new constitution, in Iraq’s Shia south religion is already entwined with politics. In Basra's courts, for example, sharia law is routinely used instead of civil codes. Local politicians work with the tacit support of the clergy and important decisions are deferred to religious leaders. So there.

The fact is, His Eminence the Grand Ayatollah Al-Hussaini Al-Sistani has indicated that all Iraqi law SHOULD be founded in Sharia law. Just imagine: cricket is allowed but chess is "absolutely forbidden" (Too aggressive?). Women may not shake hands with men (Probably not a bad idea. Do YOU always wash your hands after a dump?). Music is o­nly permitted if it is NOT for enjoyment (Think Andrew Lloyd Webber. Or Delta Goodrun). And men may not pray while wearing earrings (Nipple rings or penis studs excepted?).

Don’t believe me? Then go to the Ayatollah’s website (I kid you not) at website www.sistani.org.

Nice to know all those bright, young, shaven-headed GI’s aren’t getting their limbs blown off for nothing. Yup, the roof, the roof, the roof is definitely o­n fire.

And so, seeking to expand the o­ngoing catastrophe outlined in the psychotic Bush Doctrine, the Hole-in-the-Truth Gang are galloping to head off Iran at the pass: imagine an Iran/Iraq alliance based o­n Islamic law. Hmm, is there an edict in their forbidding foreign occupation? Why fluck me Mr President, YES THERE IS!

Usurpation (Ghasb): .) “Usurpation means that a person unjustly seizes the property or right of another person. This is o­ne of the major sins and o­ne who commits it will be subjected to severe chastisement o­n the Day of Judgement. It has been reported from the Holy Prophet (s.a.w.a.) ‘that whoever usurps o­ne span of another's land, seven layers of that land will be put round his neck like a yoke o­n the Day of Judgement’" (http://www.sistani.org/html/eng/main/index.php?page=3&lang=ara&part=1).

Sounds fair to me!

With all this anxiety about a looming religious Iraqi state bound by Sharia Law, it was a relief to read the following good news about alcohol consumption o­n the Grand Ayatollah’s extremely informative website:

Question: Is o­ne allowed to consume alcohol for medical purposes?

Answer: It is permissible to benefit from just amount needed for treatment.

Well, that has my weekend binges covered very nicely. Thank Allah for that succinct clarification from the Imam!

More problematic is the orgy and masturbation issue:

Question: Is having an orgy permissible under the Qur’an?

Answer: It is forbidden.

Question: If my wife wants me to masturbate in front of her, is it then allowed?

Answer: You are not allowed to do it with hand, but your wife is.

Damn! There goes my birthday party! This was Max Gross for xenoxnews.com, doing it with his hand, consuming alcohol for medical purposes, and watching the muthafucker burn, burn, burn muthafucker, BURN!