My arse feels great!. Program participants looking pleased with the effects of zero g and the constant colonics their new suits give them. "These suits are like 24 hour a day, 7 day a week nappies!" said one gleefully, "and no rashes or bedsores. Hell! I can sleep and crap standing up!"
CANBERRA. In a bid to improve his popularity before the election, John Howard has put forward a proposal for a final solution to the elderly in our community. A new section of the International Space station will be built to be used as a kind of space age retirement home. "Cunt" Howard, as he is fondly known to the electorate, has volunteered the services of 100 elderly citizens to test the new facility. Citing benefits such as a zero gravity and not needing to get out of bed to take a crap, Howards adds that they "will be able to wipe their own arses now and relatives will not be able to bitch to the media that we don't spend enough on our old folk."
That's right blast em off into space. A new lease on life in a zero gravity environment where food is already in a form suitable for the gummy chops of ancient aussies. If all goes well a bigger and larger facility will be built on a large asteroid along with a food production/recycling plant which is an entirely seperate project and only be located nearby "for economic reasons". The food factory will be experimenting with new production techniques of soy/lentil food products. Strangely there is no mention of building a cemetary but a website will be created with videos and images of the deceased. Retorting to concerns about possible mishaps on the launch pad: "Who could hope for a more glorious funeral? I know I couldn't."