Standing on a golden Aussie shore where the beer flows like wine, Max Gross strips down to his baggy board shorts, puffs out his skinny white chest and dives into the brine to battle waves of bullshite.
Talk about dope-on-a-rope! Some apparently sober media pundits have suggested that Tony Abbott, the current cardboard cut-out of a Liberal leader, is the “fittest alternative prime minister Australia has seen”, for his participation in a rough and tough 226-kilometre “iron man” triathlon.
Others claim that, despite his photogenic Baywatch Speedos, Abbott is all smuggle and no budgies.
As far as I’m concerned, Br'er Abbott can run, jump, skip, swim and ride a bike, wear pink lycra or budgie smugglers or a grass skirt with a bone through his nose for all I care, he still has no policies, is too much the extremist catholic zealot, changes his mind at the toss of a coin and has become a caricature.
PM material? I think not.
And that’s the issue. With his pretty obvious strategy of providing voters with a daily media stunt and opposing everything the federal Labor government says and does, Abbott has turned himself into a cartoon character.
Wyle E. Coyote? Genius?
In a belated attempt to minimise further embarrassment, Abbott has shifted that beetroot-faced, foot-in-mouth nutter Bananaby Joyce sideways but still can't shut him up. Abbott has also lost his main backer, the execrable Nick Munchkin, who has announced his decision to retire due to “family reasons” (Which, for once in a pollie’s life, happens to be true, rather than anything to do with getting his hand caught in a cookie jar or up a skirt).
It was Munchkin - the ultra-right "powerbroker" and leader of the neo-con scumbags in the Senate - who psychotically declared the fight against global warming was a communist conspiracy.
Communists? What, the Chinese? The North Koreans? The Vietnamese? Wait, don't tell me, it's that old reprobate the ferocious Fidel Castro - so feared and loathed by the poor, tiny, defenceless USA - who is behind the international science community's consensus regarding climate change. Viva Fidel!
Yeah, right, so long Nick and thanks for all the fish. Just don't forget to take your feckin' meds.
And with Munchkin abandoning a clearly sinking ship, that leaves an increasingly depleted cesspool of aging party hacks like Ruddock and "Creepy Jesus" Andrews and raving, right-wing wing-nuts like Joyce and Abetz to somehow stop stabbing each other in the eye with pencils and nostalgically browsing through the John Howard family album, get their act together and prepare for the worst: their second electoral defeat.
And that's bound to be an even bigger rout that the one that sent the Lying Rodent packing.
With just months to go before the next federal election, Abbott still doesn't have a health policy he's willing to release or discuss yet.
So what was the point of his demanding the recent “debate” with the PM on health which, to everyone’s surprise, the PM cunningly agreed to and proceeded to use Br’er Abbott as a mop while the ex-seminarian stone-walled, cackled maniacally and quipped like a crack-head on amateur hour at the pub.
Br’er Abbott later grudgingly admitted that voters prefer “a man with a plan” but, as Michelle Grattan pointed out in Melbourne’s mainstream daily The Age, when quizzed about the immediate drop in the polls in support for both the Libs and for Abbott, he dipped into his swag of weasel words and pulled out the announcement that he wouldn't ''necessarily oppose'' the PM’s plan.
Did you catch that? “Necessarily”?
Ah yes, the Mad Monk is slippery as soap on a rope.
You want to know what Abbott’s current policy is on [insert subject here]? Just wait 5 minutes.
The fact is that Br'er Abbott's policy position changes daily, depending on where he is and who is listening (if anyone).
As Barry Humphries once asked: what is a ratbag?
And as my neighbour Kosta asked: did you notice Abbott has more hair on his chest than on his head?
What we do know is what Br’er Abbott did during his term as a minister in the deposed and discredited Howard government.
He declared the science of climate change was “crap”.
As Minister for Health, Abbott blocked stem-cell research and the availability of the so-called “abortion drug” RU 486 for Australian women.
He advocated the destruction of Medicare and blamed nurses’ wages for the cost of health care.
His criticised women seeking abortions and pushed for funding "alternative" (that is, church-based) phone “counselling” for women seeking advice on terminations.
He believes the process of getting divorced is “too easy” and has proposed to reinstate "at-fault" divorce.
And then there’s his life-long admiration for that religious extremist Bob Santamaria, of whom Br’er Abbott was and remains a devoted disciple.
Try as he might, well-toned Tony just can’t keep his extreme Catholic-derived beliefs to himself.
Abbott reckons “bible classes” should be compulsory.
Verily sayest the Mad Monk: ‘It would be impossible to have a good general education without at least some serious familiarity with the Bible and with the teachings of Christianity”.
And all this while a sexual abuse scandal rocks the Vatican and its frock-wearing vassals and the infallible Pope Bentdick justifies his negligent attitude to priests hooked on paedophilia by declaring he will not be ''intimidated'' by ''petty gossip'.
So whatever Abbott may or may not say as the nation plods mind-numbingly towards Election Day, make no mistake: this dangerous drongo wants to impose his warped personal views of morality on all Australians.
His own daughter called him called him a ''lame, gay, churchy loser” [http://www.smh.com.au/opinion/i-love-tony-abbott--and-who-wouldnt-20091208-kho2.html]
Loser, yes, in oh so many ways, but a gift that just keeps on giving for comedians and for morons who don't believe in science and think this little ol' planet Earth is not only just 6,000 years old but flat..
And speaking of gifts, Br’er Abbott publicly declared “virginity is a gift”. Supposedly, he was referring to female virginity. Obviously, not his own.
My own personal experience suggests that it all depends on who’s doing the gift giving and who’s doing the receiving (Man, that was one weekend I really want to forget!).
Be afraid, people, be very afraid because Tony Abbott’s private and public political beliefs are, like those of his venomous mentor, ousted PM John Winston Horror, bogged down in the good-old-days of black and white television, FC Holdens, women chained to kitchen sinks and Reds-under-beds: the 1950s.
And while Roborudd’s critics rightly claim the government’s many plans have largely gone off half-cocked, they fail to mention the impact of the Amerikkkan-made Global Financial Cock-up and that Rudd’s soft-Labor team confronts the most obstructive, bloody-minded Senate in 30 years.
Not surprisingly, these naysayers nonetheless all support what is clearly the stupidest policy decision of any Australian government ever: the Rudd/Conroy Chinese-style Internet Filter with its infamous “secret” blacklist of websites deemed (By whom? Rudd? Conroy? Some dazed public servant?) as “refused classification.”
There goes glorious xenoxnews.com, I reckon.
But genuine parliamentary bipartisanship? Not likely with a pack of former Howard Era/Error zombies and parasites still on the crossbenches.
With their anachronistic born-to-rule mentality, these creeps are convinced that whenever they are voted out of office it’s simply a flaw in the democratic process.
Just like the demented Republican nut bags who failed in their vicious attempts to sabotage U.S. President Barack Obama’s recently won health reforms.
Sad to say but, until Obama’s efforts, America the Be-yootiful was the only one of the world's developed nations without universal healthcare for its citizens and where, as the Speaker of the House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi, said: "Even to be a woman was a pre-existing medical condition."
Home of the brave, indeed!
But, as we here at Xenox News say: feck ‘em all, the bastards!
And as for that triathlon, can someone please tell me where Br’er Abbott ended up (And please don’t say in front of a bathroom mirror)?
This was Max Gross for Xenox News, looking for a fluffy white towel, a room with a view and an ice cold vodka spritzer, wishing all our readers a very merry Cruci-fiction Day. Prost und Zum Wohl, kamaraden!
Squeezing Budgies
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He looks a likely lad this here Tony... Why not give him a chance? I'm sure he could lead you Aussies to a bigger and brighter future! |
Beds R Burnin
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I wanna see how long the fucker can hold his breath underwater. Then I might not necessarily vote for anyone else. |
Lady Jane
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Oh, and a little update on the so-called "Climate-gate" beat-up: “in the first official report into the theft of emails from the unit last year, a British parliamentary committee said the messages did not contradict the mainstream scientific view that man-made emissions have contributed to rising temperatures…” See here: http://blogs.crikey.com.au/roo...ing-hello/ But don't expect Minchin or the deniers to mention it. And its getting almost no mainstream media coverage at all. |
Ricardovitz
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Looky here, Miss Jane, Tain't nobody give a dern 'bout global warmin er changing weather. Best thang 'could happen is this here planet of ours got a tad bit warmer. All that wasted water sittin on thar north and south polls 'd be released. And places like Newfoundland would be a right nice place ta live! I reckon all that land up in Kanada wouln't go ta waste neither. Only dumb 'ol Obama-lovin dope smokers dern't knew no better. Them folks gotta have a "cause". Tain't got nothin to do, cain't git no job, cain't rub two nickels together to own no land or make sompthin of themselves. So, they smoke thar dope, inject thar drugs, chrome thar brains, like Assuie Abos, and git tharselves a sign and protest. Shoooooot, them hippy-dippy global warmin sneeple cry 'n cry 'n cry 'n waive thar signs 'round like thar world's a commin to an end lickity split. But, thar truth is, boys and girls, these here folks jest ain't got no nevermind to busy themselves with. |
Lady Jane
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What on earth are you raving about, sir? Your post is scarcely intelligible. Are you even sober? |
Ricardovitz
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Sober??? Tain't scarcely a day go by thar by ware I ain't got more wits 'bout me than all them goobermemt stooges all together. You and yer kind dern't know nothin 'bout sober. Y'all take yer drugs, pop yer pills, drink thar Devil's elixer, snort glue, huff yer meth, and inject yer smack cuz you ain't got no hard work to do. Folks like you, Miss Jane, got pills fer headaches, pills fer woman-cramps, pills fer ta let ya fornicate 'n not git no baby, pills fer killin babies after fornicatin, pills ta git you a baby when thar Lord done knows you ain't no good fer havin babies, pills ta git a pecker hard for more fornicatin, Devil-Wine fer Catholics and Jews fer pretend-prayin, corn-liquor fer ta git a man inerested in fornicatin with ugly women and ta commit lawless behavior. Y'ALL ER GOIN TA HELL!!!!! Me? I reckon my body is thar Lord's temple. I dern't sin like you weak folks do. Sure, I done my share of sinnin, yessiree, I have. Jesus done told me 'fore I need a attitued adjustment. I work on that - tain't easy with all these whores runnin 'bout, 'n wicked folks who you jest know ain't no good fer nothin! Lazy tennants, lazy gooberment titty suckers, lazy gooberment workers suckin off thar titties of productive folks. I reckon if'n I wern't no God-fearin man, I'd fix ta burnin 'em all. But, hear thar Lord preach ta me, 'n I listen to Him, 'n he keeps me on thar straight 'n narrow - don't let me bring much harm ta sinnfull folks, even though we all know they shore do deserve it. Yep, Miss Jane, I'm sober as a 4-legged Donkey. |
My Fat Johnson
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Max Gross you are right on the money. The Liarberals have no interest in democracy. They believe in the divine right of kings and consider themselves royalty. Labor has betrayed its supporters and may as well form a coalition with the Liarberals. Keep spraying the sheeple with the unadulterated truth, Max. Good job, Xenox News. |
Digger
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More puffed up leftie nonsense from Gross. You cant blame John Howard anymore! Australia is going rapidly backwards and filling up with reffos because of your socialist darling Kruddy. Pretty soon the country will be so bankrupt your dole cheques will be bouncing! Digger, Cranbourne |
Ricardovitz
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Digger, you git it all wrong. I done research Max Gross. Been follerin him fer years now. Some new-fangled folks call this syberstalkin. It ain't. Jest good 'ol honest research 'n whatnot. Anywhoo, this here Max Gross feller is a double-spy. He's a Jew, but tain't really a Jew. Git my drift..... He's one of them half-jew hatin jews. But, that nothin. He's an agent of thar CIA - Central Inteligence Agency6. Lecturs 'bout CIA spy stuff in these here spy schools they got in the USA. Max Gross is pretendin to be a Anarchist bent on destrotyin Australia. But, his genuine agenda is gittin you Aussies all frothed up at thar mouths 'n bleedin at the teeth wheres y'all toss out them Liberals, Labors, and thar rest 'n git some real land-ownin Conservatives takin over. |
Stephan Conroy
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Mr Ricardovitz shouldn't you be out in the fields picking cotton? It is because of jackasses like you i have to ban the internet in Australia. |
Ricardovitz
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Hey, thar Mr. Conroy! Dern't ya fergit - I'm on yer side, boy! Fight'n thar Devil in ever whcih way I can. You and me, sir - we take on thar Devil's pornography, thar Devil's fornicators, them Homosexuals - ya know them folks jest ain't right, ABORTIONISTS, even them Abortion Drug-pushers - all goin straight tar Hell!!!! I reckon I'm a big 'ol fan of yer work, Mr. Conroy, yessiree Amen!! Well, I'm a gonna keep fightin thar good fight - I reckon you keep up yer fightin like a good soldier. Jesus shines his light on us who do battle fer his good cause. |
Max Gross
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And another rat leaves the sinking ship! http://www.theage.com.au/natio....html#poll And doesn't Turnbull look so much the happier for it in that photo? |
Vertigogo
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Liberals? Labor? Fuckemall the bastards they are all in the same gang of sneaky, lying, pedophile necrophiliac corporate flunky rapist butthole surfers |
pazzoredento
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Mr Abbott is embarassing to watch. He is irrational. His strange laugh is disturbing to hear. I honestly believe he is not entirely sane. Perhaps a psychiatric assessmemt would be of benefit to him, to his supporters and to Australia's future? |
CLOCKDVA
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Oh how we all laughed. Rudd has grown more and more "unpopular" but so has Abbott not that he was anything more than a blip on the radar. Don't bother to vote. Come polling day there'll be nobody left standing. |
A strong government
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It seems Tony will have the last laughs. Rudd was never up to the job; he looks like a pip squeak version of Top Cat. |
Gormless from the Old Folks Home
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Howard or Rudd as Tintin Why do we have to have pip squeaks where is our next 6 foot plus tall leader going to emerge from  |
FlimFlamMan
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Last decent 6 footer we had was Gough... and you know what the bastards did to him. |
Lickety Split
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It's on! August election for sure. Who to vote for? Tweedledee Gillard of Tweedledum Abbott! They're all cunts out there! |
Ricardovitz
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I'm still in this here race. Y'all can vote fer me. If'n you want yer Nation ta be powerful 'n curb-stomp Yankees 'n Yankee sympathizers....'n muslimes 'n whatnot, then y'all only git one choice - RICARDOVITZ! |
Yuri Besmyetri
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Where is Max Gross? I wish to read such analysis now that phony Ms Gillard vs phony Mr Abbot |
