PERVERTS RALLY AGAINST COALITION

John Howard's re-election campaign received a shattering blow last night when one of the countries most powerful lobby groups the Sydney Perverts Association (SPA) announced it would advise its members to vote Labor unless more money was allocated to the upkeep of the nation's public toilets. The group whose members include many high ranking political figures along with influential radio and television personalities announced its intentions after being denied government funding to build its own clubhouse-a luxurious forty five seater toilet block.

SPA president retired accountant John Timpkins claimed it was the final straw for his group who often are forced to troll their wares in toilets that are smelly,unsightly and at times downright dangerous.

"It's only a matter of time before someone gets hurt" he said revealing that the general public were beginning to resent invitations by his members for a "quick one" in the nearest cubicle.

"All we're seeking is an environment where our members can feel safe approaching someone from behind with their pants down around their ankles. Surely that's not to much to ask!"

The clubhouse set to be built on land already acquired through members donations and "endless raffles" is now in danger of being scuttled.

"We've had plans drawn up and have already applied for a liqour license" said a dissapointed Timpkins.

Described as "the Taj Mahal of toilets" the clubhouse would enjoy luxurious surrounds with piped music and carpeted floors with plans further down the line to install an eatery.

"Probably a tapas bar or something like that" Timpkins noted.

Accusations of bias have been levelled at the government with SPA claiming many community and sporting groups regularly received funding for club facilities and there are now genuine fears the association may be disbanded.

"Membership is slipping" sighted a rueful Timpkins who claimed the romance had gone from public conveniences.

"It's difficult to get in the mood" he lamented. "Quite often you'll find yourself looking deep into the eyes of someone you've just met when all of a sudden there's an explosion from someone in the cubicle next door as they release last nights curry".

A spokesperson from the PM's office has said that whilst understanding the importance of perverts in the nations make up the clubhouse would have to built with money from the private sector

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