Bin a long time coming

Saturday, 25 May 2002 By max

IS HE, OR ISN'T HE?

Dead, that is.

Is he here, or is he there?

Hell, is he on one of those exclusive, pay-as-you-go cruise boats embarking from Indonesia, trying to crack Australia's defensive shield and have his wicked way with some anxious, lily-white Liberal voter? If so, just wait until we get our billion-dollar bargain basement helicopters, in about six years time: those rusty 40 year-old US Navy relics may well drop from the sky right on his pointy wittle grey head!

Who? Osama bin Laden, of course. Remember him? He was the one on US Presidunce George Enron’s hit-list before Iran, Iraq, North Korea, Sudan, Libya, Cuba and Tasmania (now there’s an evil little island!)

A recently surfaced 40-minute video of Obiwan bin Laden was maybe recorded in March, suggesting he was alive at least then.

However Al Jazeera, the Arabic news channel, reckons the video is old stuff from October last year. The last anyone really heard from the Holy Roller was October 7, so by now he could be cactus.

But- damn it! - there is evidence suggesting he WAS still alive in December. Merry Christmas, Mr Laden?

Xenox News has heard Osammy was in Spindolak and Tora Bora in Afghanistan. We got a hot flash (flush?) about sightings in the tribal territories of that shining example of freedom and democracy Pakistan, where the first nuclear war may well soon start – if the Yanks don’t decide to make a first strike on, say, Iraq, themselves (Hell, they wouldn’t want to risk attacking someone who could strike back with equal vigour!).

Maybe Osammy is somewhere. Maybe he’s nowhere. Maybe he’s alive. Maybe he’s dead. Maybe he was killed or wounded by U.S. bombing. Maybe not.

George Dubbya’s temporary good buddy President Mushut-up of Pakistan claimed in February that La-la Laden had dropped dead of kidney failure. Later the Paki Prez shrugged and reckoned he didn't know one way or the other.

New U.S. intelligence (a contradiction in terms, I know) reckons Binny had a kidney transplant in February.

Maybe the transplant was done in Pakistan. Maybe not. Maybe it happened in Afghanistan. Maybe not. Maybe the Saudis helped him out. Or not. But after all, it were Saudi’s that plunged the goddamn hijacked planes like a dagger into America’s greedy, selfish heart.

Or maybe there was no transplant at all.

The fact is, there's no evidence bin Laden had kidney disease in the first place.

One thing's for sure, Osama bin Laden and this Orwellian US war-without-end on "terror" is a godsend to Australia's parochial Prime Miniature and good-old-boy Presidunce Bush and his bankers. Behind those solemn, constipated expressions those crooks are giggling fit to burst at all the suckers who believe their lies.

This was Max Gross, closing the drapes and returning to his favourite reality show: his bed.