#ASKBOXHEAD The Dating Game

Created: Wednesday, 18 July 2012

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I am a recently divorced chap and I find I am looking again for a mate. Now as I was out of the dating game for a while I am wondering have any of the rules changed? For instance, can I hold a girls hand on the first date? Which should be first - the firm handshake to her father, or the polite peck on the check for her mother?

As you can see I have a plethora of questions; any tips and wisdom you can give me will be much appreciated.
Rupert Murdork
Boxhead
Ahhh. Rupert...

I'm flattered that you would ask for my advice however I do find it unusual that you're not just going to rely on hacking into her voicemail to find out her ways. But I do respect that you have chosen to write me for some extra tips.

OK. Rules of the dating game.
Well, given you're like 148 years old the rules have changed a bit. These days, on a first date, you have to impress. Don't try and grab her arse, don't ask her if she's hankering for a spanky. All that creepy old man shit; just forget that.
Let's set the scene.

Now close your eyes and open your mind (and somehow read this at the same time).
You and your date who's name is um....Myrtle, are sitting in a foreign restaurant with the lights dimmed. The waiter comes up with a bottle of champagne and is talking to you and your nodding along but really have no idea what the fuck he is saying. Of course the fucking menu is in French. You don't wanna look like a dick so you decide to guess what's what and end up with aioli filled bull testicles. You play it all cool and just bite into those bad boys and feel the juices explode in your mouth. You're off to a crap night but at this point she thinks you speak French and are a classy kind of guy and has no idea you are eating bull balls. Wow I've gone way off track again.

So...Ok. Holding hands on the first date is not a big deal these days. If the Beatles were out today "I wanna hold your hand" would probably be called "I wanna lick your crack". Sex on the first date is almost expected these days, so go right ahead brother and hold her hand.

As for meeting her folks. Just don't!
What I find comes in handy is my little ol' trusty notepad full of excuses that I've used over the years.

Here are a few of my favourites:
Oh man I'm gonna be in Narnia that day.
I gotta write to my pen pal!
I fell a sleep in a pubic toilet and now the doors locked and i cant get out.
Im going out with the lads to play laser tag.

Damn, I have synchronised swimming training!
Oh crap, I'm going to be in Narnia at that time.
I gotta write my pen pal!
I fell asleep in a public toilet and now the door is locked and I can't get out.
I'm going out with the lads to play laser tag.
So sorry, I couldn't find my box.

If all else fails you could just hire four or five escorts with all that money you have right? ;-)
I really hope this helps.
Love Uncle Boxhead