Celebrity Tales

What can Indian PM Modi teach the West?

Created: Friday, 19 September 2014
Written by New Delhi Desk

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He is the new leader of a vibrant and dynamic country that is rapidly climbing up the economic ladder to success.

Experts and scholars agree that Narendra Modi is a unique talent who will change the face of India, and perhaps the world, forever. 

modi drummer

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As one King steps down Queen Liz declares she also has had enough

Created: Wednesday, 04 June 2014
Written by Royal Reporter

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English Queen Liz says “Fuck it, I’m leaving” after hearing that Spain’s King Carlos quits

queen liz

 

Read more: As one King steps down Queen Liz declares she also has had enough

SIX AMAZING THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT WINSTON CHURCHILL!

Created: Friday, 21 March 2014
Written by Ex Buzzfeeder

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He is the greatest hero of the Twentieth Century but did you know that Winston Churchill had many secrets that have been kept hidden from public view?

But now, after many years of research and FOI requests, XenoxNews.com can release six amazing things you never knew about Winston Churchill!

winston churchill gunWinston Churchill. Gangster.

 

#1 Did you know that the fate of post-World War Two Europe was decided on a night in Tehran in 1943 where Churchill got pissed with the evil Russian dictator Stalin?

 

 #2 Did you know Churchill was responsible for ANZAC day?

 

#3 Winston Churchill was the worldwide leader of the Freemasons in the early 20th Century.

 

#4 It was not Churchill’s voice when the BBC broadcast his famous wartime speeches. It was in fact the voice of a BBC actor.

 

#5 On holiday during WW2, Winnie loved to roam the beaches of Florida naked!

 

#6 Winston Churchill had the longest cock of any world leader; before or since!

 

Going JIHAD FOR DAD!

Created: Thursday, 22 August 2013
Written by Raspberry Cordial

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Osama Bin Laden may be rusting in Davy Jones locker but he left a lasting legacy in flesh and blood. He had so many wives, and children innumerable. Including countless sons…

 

osama wife 3

One of Osama Bin Laden's wives...

 

How much longer do we have to wait till one of his boys go JIHAD for DAD?!?!?

I have always thought the only advantage of Osama's ill begotten religion was the fact that you could marry more than one woman. For we all know you can fuck an ugly woman at least once, but you can’t fuck a beautiful woman forever…

Christ old Osama sure used this rule a lot - Look how many he had. And look how many boys! They are out there, like a ticking time bomb they are waiting to go off.

Where are they? Why aren’t they tagged?

osama wife 1

Here is another one. Unbelievable - the life that pevert Osama led.

 

We live in a funk of fear of jihadi wannabes; what is being done about this brood of them?

Forget about intercepting some poof’s Brazilian toyboy; why aren’t those clowns in Whitehall and Langley Field on to these guys???

I know I am going to wake up one day to news of a new atrocitry by Osama’s boys. And you can bet it will be the bleating lefties to blame. Inhibiting our security agencies work with their cries of 'civil liberties' and 'civil rights'.

osama wife 2

Even space women couldn't resist Osama's smokey charm and snake like penis.

 

Fuck that! Target the ones we know are gunna go off.

 

And do it now for fucks sake; before we all suffer the consequences.

Will the birth of a new Royal Heir make us all behave a little bit better?

Created: Wednesday, 24 July 2013
Written by Royal Correspondent

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I am looking for the silver lining that the birth of a new royal heir can bring. We all remember the joy and happiness when the current heir, Prince Willie, was born so many years ago to his saintly mother Lady Di. Then, as now, the crowds thronged to the Palace and in the streets of all their Dominions, and they all gave hearty cheer and thanks that a male heir to the throne of England was born.

 

And isn’t also true that after Prince Willie’s birth the world enjoyed a golden age?

 

wiilliam beard 1212536c

A bearded Prince WIllie

 

We had Maggie and Ronnie in charge, and the Papists knew when to keep their mouths shut when it came to the great and glorious Church of England. And it was that communism was toppled, and IRA thugs could be freely eliminated, we all were made richer, and everything felt good and proper in the world.

 

Now with the lovely Kate and Prince William’s new progeny bursting forth perhaps the World can be again made brighter. For a start, we could get rid of that dreadful man in the Whitehouse. And we glad subjects of the Royal throne, we could all pull together to work a little bit harder, or in the case of some, actually do work for a change, and get the Commonwealth back on its feet so we are all proud and sure in the World.

 

Us loyal subjects have nought to be ashamed of; recognising one’s superiors in life and celebrating their goodness and grace is perfectly natural and the way the world ought to be.

 

I see the Queensland Premier has made a good start; striking a coin as a gift for all other Queenslander babies born on this day, who will forever remain in the shadow of our Golden Heir.

 

Why not take this a step further? Why not declare this a day of celebration for always? A day to declare that we are all proud daughters and sons of Britain when it comes to the Royal Family? I say let’s have a day where rather than holiday, we work for nil, and donate our wages so that our future King can grow up and be happy in a setting befitting a monarch.

 

And as such I am launching a petition to herby call this Willie&Kates Baby Day! I will be asking you the readers of this great newspaper to join with me to ask Australia’s soon to be PM Tony Abbott to henceforth declare this day for the Royal Heir , a day on which we gladly work for nothing so that our future King can live in the glorious comfort and opulence that is rightly his!

 

Australia, what say you?

williams great grandad

 

FOUR POINTS FOR THE #NEWPONTIFF

Created: Tuesday, 12 February 2013
Written by Religous Affairs Correspondent

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Pope Bentdick the Sixteenth has decided to quit. That in itself is a step forward for what many regard as a moribund and anachronistic institution. To help the new Pontiff get the Catholic “Firm” relevant to a 21st century audience here are four easy tips he should follow:

#1 Rebuilding the Catholic brand

2000 years of strength. 2000 years of amazing characters. 2000 years of fanatical superheroes – The Saints!  The Holy Roman Catholic Church has a great story to sell; it just needs to get its message across to today’s wired and interconnected audience. The Pope joining Twitter is a start but perhaps a multi pronged marketing strategy is needed. Why not get into the Superhero Movie Franchise? Who wouldn’t like to see the amazing story of Saint Stephen and his 6 finger cross? Or Saint Mary McKillop and her deadly Dildo of Doom? Many we spoke with said they would!

He has a Sword and Wings? Yes - it's SuperPriest!

 

#2 Strengthening the flock

What can the Church do to support its faitful flock of customers? For too long the poor suckers in the pews have been taken for granted by the Vatican authorities. Howabout a bit more pizzaz in the services? At least a more edible wafer! Or even some wine that doesn’t taste like it was squeezed from the sour tits of Mother Mary. Any of these things would help keep the Sunday morning worshippers entertained and coming back for more.

 

 

pope_bentdick_on_the_piss

Bentdick pioneered new ways to make Church on Sunday less of a chore...

 

#3 Preists and their Peckers – What to do?

Christ I don’t know. Just tell them to keep it in their cassocks and away from the prying eyes of today’s nosey social media.

 

pell_hell

And for fuck sake keep clowns like Pell out of the spotlight! Perhaps send him to a Parish in Tierra del Fuego?

 

#4 Get thee to the Nunnery! Bringing back the horny worshipper

For too long the Church has ignored their greatest asset – the Nuns. These virgin delights have been hidden away in the convents and cloisters for too long. The new Pope needs to get these Women out of their caves and front and centre in any new re-launch of the Catholic brand. Let's have their habits a bit shorter; their headresses a bit tighter, and their legs in stockings and suspenders. His Eminence will be amazed at the increase in Church attendance these small changes could make… And please - don’t forget the kinky wear!

 

sexy_catholic_gear

Hmmmm... What does the Mother Superior wear under her habit?

 

It doesn't take much; all the marketing experts we spoke with agreed that if the new Pontiff followed any of these pointers he could prise the Number 1 religion title form those heathen Muslims.

 

And, after all, isn't that a goal all right thinking folk will support?

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