CHANNEL 9 BANKRUPT? XENOXNEWS.COM MAKES AN OFFER!

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The television station synonymous with Australia is broke.

 

It seems that ever since former owner Kerry Packer carked it Australia's number one TV station has been run by clowns and charlatans who couldn’t organise a piss up in brewery. Previously it was easy; they could rely on TV shows that fed off the limp dicked patriotism of modern day Australia to make money. But now the new media landscape has confused the idiots in charge so much that the station is about to go belly up and the vultures are circling.

 

So before the receivers get their filthy little mitts on her, XenoxNews.com is willing to purchase this moribund media flagship of the nation and get her back on her feet again and in your living room.

 

Our bid? $2.50.

 

Well it’s more than what we offered Rupert for his clapped out newspapers…

 

So, what are our plans to make Channel 9 profitable again? Well, as you will see, they will have the younguns dropping their iPods and will drag the oldies away from their internet porn.

 

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Bestiality to improve ratings and profitability? Yes. XenoxNews.com will try anything!

First up, we plan to resurrect that classic show ‘Hey Hey it’s Saturday’. But this time we will do things a little differently... Expect to see Daryl hosting the show hoisted above the Yarra River and naked as the day he was born, while Ossie will be fucked up his ostrich arse by a coterie of AFL footballers.

 

It will be a Variety Show for the 21st Century!

 

Next we will save money by merging two of the current flagship programs; A Current Affair and Big Brother. Expect a reality news show where we won’t let truth or the libel laws stand in the way.

 

bearded_bastards

On the new Big Current Affair Brother this week: Catholics vs Muslims. Who will win?

 

We will have important figures such as Archbishop Pell locked up in the house for a weekend with members of the Taliban. They will discuss the finer points of their respective religions while being poked by tasers controlled by you the viewer.

It will be like a replay of the Crusades with no holds barred!

 

And finally, we’re going to dig up Gra Gra again and give him his own show.

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Back from the grave and on the new XenoxNews.com Channel 9!

 

Cause let’s face it; he was the only decent thing that shit TV channel ever had.

 

Tex Lumbago,

Editor-in-Chief

XenoxNews.com

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  • This commment is unpublished.
    · 14 years ago
    Fuck that ostrich. I've hated that cunt ever since I first saw his smarmy beak on TV. Hope they fuck him dead.

    Bring back the emu; that's what I reckon they need.
  • This commment is unpublished.
    · 14 years ago
    Dern't be so cheap, Tex!!!

    I git $100,000 cash burnin a hole in my pocket - I'd coff it up fer a TV station. I git enuff programin ideas ta fill prime time, daytime, nightime, 'n anything inbetween fer 7 years.

    Tex, I'll sell you 'n boxhead 30 second commercial slots at only $500/second - ain't gonna put no restrictions on it neither, but do reserve all editroial rights.
  • This commment is unpublished.
    · 14 years ago
    what about the right to spell proper moron
  • This commment is unpublished.
    · 14 years ago
    Something about that idiot stare from that pink feathered bird gets me angry.
    Very angry.

    I'm reminded of the all the bludgers and reffos and gippos and such who are in my country now. Lazy buggers who have never worked a day in their life and always have their hand out for more of our money.

    My old husband Barry used to say you shouldn't kick a man when his down. Well fuck that I wanna blow those cunts sky high.

    And that fucking pink galoot as well.
  • This commment is unpublished.
    · 14 years ago
    My version of Big Brother would have a house full of sheep and a couple of randy big kee wee boofheads and set up a betting company and takes bets on which one fucks the first sheep. With my luck and knowing kee wees they would probably fuck each other while eating FUSH and CHUPS !!!!!

    Time for my meds ...........bye now.
  • This commment is unpublished.
    · 14 years ago
    Come over here you prick and I'll fuck your skinny aussie arsehole
  • This commment is unpublished.
    · 14 years ago
    Will I have to go BAAAH ! BAAH! ?. The sheep are purty down here in Palmy North.
  • This commment is unpublished.
    · 14 years ago
    ahhhh! That bird! Those beady eyes... get him off my screen. Now!
  • This commment is unpublished.
    · 14 years ago
    He is indeed scary, some sort of avarian devil incarnate. He no doubt scares children and gives me nightmares, that is why I dont miss Darryl and Co. I think he was a groupie bird for the show and the production team gang banged his tight birdie arsehole. They enticed him by saying "come and git your Birdie Num Nums - birdeeeee num nuns ".

    I have to go now it's meds and afternoon nap time.
  • This commment is unpublished.
    · 14 years ago
    How much for the little bird?
  • This commment is unpublished.
    · 14 years ago
    They say old Kerry had a keen interest in that bird. In fact he used to fuck it's beak they say
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