Dear Ricky...

Fred, I am glad that you've reached out for some help and advice on your wicked tendencies. Let me reasure you that your soul is not lost and may still be saved. There are some positive signs here. First, it is clear that you know good from evil. You have correctly identified that placing your male member where it doesn't belong is evil. Second, you acknowledge that evil is Satan's device, and that perverted sexual practices are not of God, but of Satan.

So, we have established that you are not a psychopath or a sociopath. You are simply obsessed with wicked thougts.

The device pictured will do nothing to release you from the demonic thoughts that have not yet taken control over your mind. There are devices that would be quite effective in aiding you in this regard.

The first one I will discuss is an electro-shock device that can be inplanted into the brain. A surgeon drills two holes into your skull while you are wide-awake and insert spaghetti-sized electrical wires down through the two sides of the frontal lobes. A variable poser remote control device operated by a physician shocks the brain with three to 100 volts of electricity, when necessary. It is powered by a battery pack that is locked onto your in the form of a titanium bracelet. The device is meant to treat his severe anxiety associated with sexual perversion. It may be controlled by the Doctor from up to 300 yards away. Researchers are currently working on a new model that can be controled via wireless internet. I have named the device "DONE", which stands for Doctor Operated Neuro Electrophier.

Prior to installing DONE in patients obsessed with violent sexual thoughts, the only option was the frontal leukectomy, which was quite successful. However, I have discovered that DONE has many other useful features and can be used to treat a variety of mental illnesses, such as ant-social behavior, psychosis, homosexuality, drug addictions, and even laziness.

It has been shown that many John-loving Ostrichlians show no discernable difference in behaviour after total brain loss.
Many go on to have the same pointless and pathetic lives - mostly spent watching sports zombies hitting balls with sticks, or just running around carrying them!

Sounds like another cure for brain fag? Can't these symptoms simply be cured with a few drops of Fisher's Phospherine per day in a glass of water?

I too ponder the utter waste of time and lack of productivity associated with people watching sports. Pointless and pathetic lives, indeed. So true. I will have you know that there are many homeless subjects that are dying to participate in further studies to validate the usefullness of DONE. As I allways say, my motto is "My Productivity is making others productive anyway I can."

BEWARE OF HUXTERS AND SCAM ARTISTS!!! Fisher's Phospherine is nothing but junk science, complete and total rubbish. How dare you question my research!! You pathetic, drug-pushing hippies are constantly trying to sell John Q. Public snake oil, and Fisher's Phospherine is nothing more than fishy serpant juice that does nothing. Doing nothing is unproductive and therefore unacceptible!

Fred forget these uptight nutters.
You can put your dick wherever someone else wants it to go.
It is as simple as that.

Fred my lad, I want you to put your dick into a commercial meat-grinder. That is merely my personal preference.
If you want to put it in a blender, or into a jar of acid, that's okay with me also.

Fred, I failed to introduce myself. Rude of me!
My name is Satan - John W. Satan.

Fisher's was good shit until they took the phosphorous out