TOM TITMOUSE SPEAKS

Created: Monday, 21 April 2003 Written by Correspondent
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As I survey the world, whisky and ice in hand…

I’ve always lived my life within the inevitable principals of the chaos theory. Give the world a stir and watch the scum rise to the top!

It’s not the strongest who survive but the craziest, the meanest, the loose bottom losers who live below the middle class horizon! Surely there must be anti-christ #3 around now, shit stirring things up. Hopefully he/she is behind the scenes now goading our limp-dicked leaders into action.
God knows so many prophets have promised us this it’s gotta happen!

OK. We’ve invaded Iraq. A step I always supported. Not because I wanted to “liberate” the Iraqi people, but because, like any other red blooded male, I want to live in and participate in at least one world war this lifetime. And this looks like it might just get that ball rolling. But what about the calibre of our world leaders? Can they deliver the goods?

Well I think George W’s talents are self evident. As the equivalent of the world village idiot he has all the qualities needed to send international relations into another 1939 meltdown! Chirac is another figure serving his purpose for chaos, trying to wheedle his way as both a counter-weight to Dubya’s America and as a tried and true French patriot. Blair makes you want to vomit as soon as he opens his mouth, the mind-numbing inanities that come out his gob really make you reach for the vodka bottle.

And what about our man of the hour? John Howard. The man of the mediocre. The man who made bourgeois an insult again. Everything he stands for: small business, middle class Nunawading, accountants, home-fucking-ownership; all would seem to point to him being totally against wanting to be involved in any international conflagration. However like my pecker each morning, he stood to attention when called by Dubya. Surely it wasn’t that cock and bull ‘weapons of mass destruction’ story. Does he want to go out with a bang?

Well I for one fucking hope so!

Take a look around this great country of ours and what do you see? A nation needing a boot up it’s arse! For fucks sake in my neighborhood the bottle shop was closed and a Christian bookstore put in it’s place!

Is this the kind of Australia you want to live in? Where the fairy tales of brain dead morons are taken as our ‘moral heritage’?

We have the TV filled with fucking home renovation shows and dim bulb reality houses. Lets take these arseholes and send them some place where they can live some real reality! Why not a “Backyard Blitz” at Abdul’s place in Baghdad, the one that had a fucking cruise missile land in it? How about changing some rooms in Basra? And I’m sure that mystery chef could whip a few meals for the starving peoples of Mosul! And let’s give those wankers in the big brother house a real challenge: a cave in Afghanistan and a stack of Korans! The last one to convert doesn’t get voted off; they are hung up and shot!
That would get my fucking vote!

Conscript the lot of them and send them off to Arabia to further our civilisation! They can start worrying about their relationships when they’ve got an AK47 stuck up their arse! And don’t forget to take their hosts with them. Surely there would be no greater pleasure in life then Eddie in the hot seat as Osama hosts his version of “Who wants to be the millionth martyr?”

Here is a great excuse to shake this country out of its lazy middle class ways. And maybe that King of middle class welfare lil’ Johnny has realised this. His lasting gift to our nation could be to bequeath it the gift of warfare from which the truly righteous and mighty leader can arise.

And I won’t have any shame as I take this crown!