Created: Thursday, 03 February 2005 Written by LordyLordyLordyThe news from the Vatican of the current Pope’s imminent demise has stirred gamblers interest worldwide on who is likely to take over the Papal throne. So in the interest of good-punting Xenox News reveals the odds on those who have the best chance to have their knackers squeezed by the Cardinals come election time in the Vatican.
As you would expect there is a wide range of wanna-be pontiffs willing and ready to take over once the Polish prick carks it. First up is…
1. Cardinal Ratzinger of Paris.
This mick has an amazing story to tell. Plucked from the holocaust and adopted by devout Catholic parents this Jewish-born Cardinal has excited many in the Church of Rome with his go-getting ways and easy-going manner. He looks good in both cassock and Cardinal cap, and is said to have more liberal views than the current Pope on matters of interest to parishioners in Western Europe and the US. Will get votes from the French and many other liberal Cardinals but needs others to secure the Papacy. Also some may vote against him because of the ancient prophecy that the last Pope will be as the first: Jewish.
2. Cardinal Luca-Brassi of Milan.
Perhaps the front-runner of the Italian hopefuls, Luca-Brassi has run the tough Milan parish with admirable strength. He is a close friend and confidante of Italian PM Berlusconi and so would be expected to get a good run in the Italian media (though most Catholic Cardinals are as thick as two planks and it is questionable if they can even read a newspaper!). As an Italian he has the advantage of playing on a home field and recent history suggests that this can be a big advantage.
3. Cardinal Franco of Madrid.
This slimy bastard is a key figure in that shadowy group Opus Dei and as such should not be discounted even though he is not as well known as the top two candidates. Under the current Pope Opus Dei have been able to penetrate the Vatican policy and decision making hierarchies like Bob Santamaria did to the ALP in the 1950. In Cardinal Franco they have someone who is a firm believer in their superstitious nonsense, and who even more than the current Pope wants to drag the Catholic faith back to where it belongs; the time of Inquisition Spain. With the recently canonized Father Francisco of the Spanish Civil War as one Uncle and Generalissimo Franco as another, Cardinal Franco can claim to have the necessary ancestry for becoming the latest Papal dictator!
4. Cardinal Ozawe of Equatorial Guinea.
Cardinal Ozawe of Africa is the front-runner of the large African contingent hoping to paint St Peters black and become the first negro Pope. He has become a favourite of the latest Pope because of his vigorous enforcements of Papal decrees on contraception and marriage, and as well as his building of the largest statue ever of Mother Mary at the huge Basilica of Belabo. Rumours of his marriage to two of the local nuns may be a minus, but that’s never stopped others in the past becoming Pope!
5. Archbishop Pell of Sydney.
Doesn’t really have much hope but we put him in because, fuck it, it’d be great to have an Aussie as a Pope! Besides, 70 year old PM Howard would then have someone else’s ring to kiss other than President Bush!
6. Sister Cuntfinger of Warsaw.
And finally as a real outsider we have Sister Cuntfinger. Said to rule her Warsaw Nunnery with an iron fist and a quick tongue, she has often been put forward as the woman to finally led the Catholic Church out of the Stone Age. Has said she would be willing to have a penis transplant if that is what it takes to get the job.
So there you have it dear reader, the Xenox News guide to who will be the next Pope. Just remember the minute that Polish Prick draws his last breath we will have a book up and running and ready to take your hard earned on who you think will win.