Election Results

It be thar dawning of the age of the Yangs - right outa Star Trek.

Life is tough on the Campaign trail. Stumping up for meetings with the local rabble. Having to deal with hillbillies you normally wouldn’t give your time of day to…

No wonder today’s candidates have been resorting to some ‘medicinal’ help to get them through the long days on the Campaign road.

However, it seems whatever Hillary’s on, she may have over done it.

AUSSIES VOTE FOR ANOTHER WELL-HUNG GOVERNMENT

The 2016 federal election is over but counting continues in drip-feed fashion as the nation teeters on a rusty razor's edge and voters yawn, roll over and go back to watching My Kitchen Rules.

At the time of writing, the count has LNP at 68 seats confirmed, the ALP 67, and 10 undecided with mere decimal points to make the call one way or the other.

The magic number is 76. Whichever party reaches it gets to squeeze the rubber chicken for the next three years.

The final outcome may not be known for days. Or weeks!

But one thing is blazingly obvious: Turnbull has muffed it.

A queue is forming outside The Lodge in Canberra. And it is starting to get impatient. These guys have waited 6 years for this and they don’t want to wait any longer...

Controlling the unruly mob outside PM Abbott's new abode: The Lodge, Canberra.

Who are they?

Well they are rich and the powerful, the pious and the pitiful, and just the plain old fucking stupid. They are the ones who backed new PM Tony Abbott to the hilt when he was opposition leader and now it's payback time. And Tony should be ready to payback big because these people don’t like to hear no as an answer!

The list includes:

The Catholic Church

Archbisop Pell is front of the line and he wants more money for mick schools and a ban on abortion. Rosary clutching dimwit Abbott will get a pounding at the pulpit and a bollocking in the confessional if he doesn’t give in to Pell’s demands.

The Coal Miners

With fat boy Palmer’s stormtroopers in the Senate, Tony will have to lend his ear to these greedy bastards. They want no carbon tax, no action on climate change, more mining, and a free run through the Great Barrier Reef. Basically all things which the thickheads in the Fiberal party already agree with.

The Institute for Pubic Affairs

  This mob have had their tongue up Abbott’s arse for so long they are brushing his teeth from the inside. Now it will be Tony’s turn to repay the favour. Their demands are simple: “Privatise!" And, "Free the crotch!”

Australia's Spying/Intelligence Community

The secret leaks Abbott received during his time in opposition don't come for free. The spooks want more power and less transparency and Tony is the man to give it to them.

John Howard

Waiting for the call to become the new Governor-General.

So it looks like new PM Abbott is going to have a busy first few weeks in office.

As for the rest of us; wait your turn suckers. Do you really think that Abbott will have any time to be Governing for you?

The Aussie PM Julia Gillard has stunned her opponents and political pundits by announcing that the next Federal Election will be held on September 14 later this year.

Australia's Sex Goddess PM Julia Gillard

With an 8 month lead time this promises to be the longest election campaign in Australian political history. And as with all Aussie elections you can guarantee XenoxNews.com will have it covered - from Gillard’s new goggles to Tony Abbott's tiny speedo we will be there and asking these pricks the hard questions the other media tossers wouldn’t dare.

Christ, who would want this fuckwit as PM?

With our intrepid band of reporters and dickheads you, the mug voter, will gain insights into the politicians and their parties that you would never have dreamed off.

Abbott is already out on the hustings with supporters...

We have the wit of LordyLordyLordy, the in-depth analysis of Max Gross, and the view from the US with our resident pundit Ricardovitz.

And of course our own lovable right wing fuckwits and Abbott lovers Patriot and his little mate Digger will probably pop up with their views on why you should vote for their man.

Top ranking member of Abbott's Front Bench...

We were there in 2001, 2004, 2007, and 2010. In fact we were covering elections before there even was a fucking internet so if you want accurate and perverted election news, views, rumours, lies, and naughty pictures go no further than XenoxNews.com; your trusted name in Australian Political Commentary and Analysis.

Tex Lumbago,

Editor-in-Chief

The decent hard working aussies of Victoria had their say over the weekend.

And their message was loud and clear: We don’t want the socialist ALP!

The new dynamic Liberal Party of Ted Baillieu has been swept to victory and all that is left is for the latte sippers is to cry into their froth. Decent hard working aussies are sick of the over spending and high taxing Labor governments. They want to get back to the strong economic management of the Liberals; before our national credit card reaches its limit!

Two fine Victorian Premiers of Old

Current PM Gillard should heed the warning from Victoria – it is time for her weak and ineffectual minority government to get out of the way and let the go-getters of the Tony Abbott team bring back the economic sunshine we all enjoyed under PM Howard’s governance.

And as for the Greens… Their pathetic showing at this election only proves that your regular Aussie doesn’t want to go near their airy-fairy economics or totalitarian environment policies. They are spent force and should leave politics to the big boys.

Digger,

Cranbourne