In a fit of distemper caused by no sleep in 36 hours, too much sobriety and too much black coffee - not to mention being bludgeoned into enfuriated misery by another example of the mainstream media reducing news reporting to either an inane soundbite or an uproar of idiocy - XN reporter Max Gross observes a shared condition between Richie Benaud and W.H. Auden (Yes, you read that right).
The death of former cricket player and talking head Richie Benaud at the far too young age of 84 has prompted Australia's pestilential, sub-cutaneous eruption Prime Minister Lord Muck to offer Benaud's family a state funeral.
Even drug-and-alcohol-addled Xenox News afficionados are alert to the glaring fact that only Mr Benaud has shuffled off this mortal coil, not his entire grieving famiglia.
No surprise they knocked back Tony One-note back in preference for a quiet, private ritual of the passing of a loved one. The twat would have hogged a photo op, winked and remarked "shit happens!"
Surprising the odds on Sunday the Sunshine Sharps rolled the St Albans Shleppers at the Southern Bocci Stadium.
Terry Tinnitus tossed a tendentious tornado which turned the tournament toward the time on term.
It is understood that the ugly uproar was unrelated to the uncertainty of the umpire who actually urged the undercard to undertake the unique 'Up-shot'.
The violent victory was viewed by Vanessa Volaklusis of Violet Town.
Wow what a party! Now for the hangover...
Londoners awoke from Sunday’s Olympics Closing Ceremony with not only that coy look of “who did I fuck last night” but also a multi-billion dollar debt. After the accountants did the sums it seems that staging the Olympic Games has proved to be more than this impoverished nation can afford; and now there are fears the UK may go the way of Greece.
London Mayor Boris Johnson said he was shocked to find that the kitty for running the Olympics had been so overspent. An exasperated Boris said: “I thought it would only be a few quid more than running the marathon!”
Now that the size of the financial losses has been revealed the UK Government has begun scratching around to find ways to pay for it. Unfortunately they can expect no help from the Royal Family. An indignant Queen Liz told a close confidante that she had done more than enough for the country during the games:
“One of my brood won a medal for these beastly commoners; what more could they possibly want?”
"There is no way my Husband and I are going to pay for those Olympic Games!"
Wife of the Heir to the throne, the Duchess of Cambridge, was even more forthright. She told a friend “Wasn’t it dreadful enough that me and Willie had to sit next to these people? Now they want me to stump up some money to pay for their silly games! They can forget it.”
The Duchess of Cambridge hears the news that she might have to bear the brunt of UK cost cutting to pay for the Olympics.
Other ideas to raise money to pay for the Games include leasing London landmarks to foreigners. This could include icons such as Big Ben and the London Eye.
For Sale? The London Eye.
Athletes returning home to Australia were incredulous to hear that the games lost so much money. Said one Aussie cyclist: “The Olympic Village was a disgrace; I had cockroaches in my kitchen and my bed was as hard as a rock. It was buillt to the typical shoddy standards of British craftmanship. What did those Pommy pricks spend the money on? It certainly wasn't our accommodation.”
Others spoke of the largesse that was lavished on Team GB: “Interesting to note that Team GB had their own quarters far from the slum they made us stay in; maybe that’s where they blew all their money.”
Financial analysts say it is hard to see how Great Britain will recover. Already in a deep recession thanks to its overspending Socialist Government ways, many believe the London Olympic budget blowout could be the last shot that sinks HMS Britannia. Said one financial guru based in London: “I reckon the UK will be like Greece without the sun in a few years. Most of my mates in The City are about to do a runner and I reckon I’ll join them!”
Not many companies have expressed interest in buying England's rundown and ancient telecomunnications sector.
At the moment PM Cameron had no comment on the matter but it seems certain he and his poverty stricken nation face a tough future.
GREAT BRITAIN FURIOUS AT GOLDEN FAILURES!
After 5 days competition the host nation is yet to win a gold medal. And the natives are getting restless. In fact fingers are now being pointed at that once infallible British Institution: The Royal Family.
Zara Phillips. Royal Horse Rider.
Over the years the British Olympic Equestrian team has always had a member of their inbred royalty in it. This Olympics it was Zara Phillips turn, granddaughter of some princess whose mother fucked a Greek. However it seems Zara’s riding experience was limited to a bit of going horsey with the instructor back when she was at Higginbottom Grammer School for Ladies. Turns out she fucked up the only chance Britain has had for a gold medal so far by taking a tumble at the first jump.
What a right royal fuckwit!
Well that was enough for the peasants. Promised gold, gold, gold! they are beginning to gather out the front of Buckingham Palace and are baying for blood.
Said one resident of Cockney Street: “After seeing her ride I wanna infect that stuck up royal tart with some exotic tropical worm like schistosomiasis. Me and the Missus stayed up all night hoping for a gold medal and she goes and fucks it at the very first jump!”
Behind the Palace fence supporters for the Royal Family are also assembling and having their say. Staunch Royalist David Flint OBE told us:“Those hoi polloi are lucky they are even allowed in the same city of the Olympics. They should get down on their knees and thank God that they have such a magnificent Royal Family ruling them."
"The Queen? Yeh I'd fuck her."
In other events the Chinks won more gold, the Yanks kept on cheating, and some badminton players wanted to lose.
After an amazing opening ceremony that saw Queen Liz bent over her seat and rogered by James Bond for the World’s gratification, competition finally has got under way in the London Olympics. And XenoxNews.com will be on the spot to report on everything that is happening at this ‘all you can eat’ feast of sport…
Queen Liz always seems to get horny for the Olympics. Here she is flashing the gash on the way to opening the Olympics in Melbourne 1956.
All Australia jumped for joy when the Aussie girls 4x100m swimming relay won gold, gold, gold! in the pool. However the win was sullied by claims from the Dutch team that the fatness of the Aussie girls gave them an unfair advantage.
Said Ditte Van Dykegirl: “Every time one of those fatty boombas jumped into the pool it created an almighty splash and the waves stopped our girls getting any pace”
The Aussie girls responded with that time honored Aussie epithet: “Youre just jealous!”
American superstar and bong huffer Michael Phelps also failed in his first outing, probably due to the poor quality green in London. And amazingly a Chinese male swimmer won a gold medal. What is this world coming to?
The crowd goes wild at the Horse Fornication trials on the first day of Equestrian events.
In other sports the cream of Western Aristocracy is gathering for the Equestrian competition. First up is the Horse Fornication event with the Romney family of the USA certain to put up a big show.
Aussie hopeful Debbie Pyne-Upperclasstwit said she was going to be pumping her best: “I'll be doing it for our boy Tony and not that dreadful Julia woman.”
At finally at the track qualifying also took place for Feaces Flinging and Bending over for the Boss; events which seasoned observers say Australia should continue its fine tradition in at this Olympics.
Compulsory wear for the “Bending over for the Boss” event.
So stay tuned to XenoxNews.com for all the latest Olympic news!
The Australian Olympic team has been hit by accusations of lazy overweight athletes that appear to have been fed too long on the government teat. Shocking picture of pudgy swimmers and paunchy sprinters has shocked the nation. Many are demanding immediate answers; and if there is no gold, gold, gold! this year expect a large backlash against Australia’s pampered Olympians.
For many years Australia’s Olympic team has had a special place in Aussie hearts. A special golden place, not a bronze or silver place. And as such, the team has received more Government funding than the bloody East German Olympic squad ever did. But now the taxpaying public is shocked to see that some of their little Aussie battlers are in fact big fat lazy pigs. In fact, many are regarding them as no more than overfed public servants.
Scene from Beijing Olympics. You can bet this minx is definitely not an Aussie Swimmer!
We tried to get a comment from a team official but it seems he was at the welcome banquet for the athletes. You would think these pricks, whose whole income is derived from us hard working taxpayers, would have the courtesy to tell us why we should support this team of fatties and frumpies! They better realize that an Aussie doesn’t have inexhaustible patience, and if we don’t score at least 20 gold then they can fucking pack their bags and get out of that Public Servant Paradise, the Australian Institute of Sport, before we fucking raze it to the ground in a fit of fury!
I can’t wait for Speedo boy Tony Abbott to take over. I'm sure he'll do something about this.
Norman May's Brother.