It's got electrolytes!
Vain, venal, vindictive.
Without writing another word or mentioning a name, I’m betting you, dear reader, already know exactly who I’m talking about. But I digress. Allow me to continue.
Boastful, bloviating, belligerent; petty, petulant, puerile; odious, obtuse, offensive; cantankerous, corrupt, criminal; deceitful, debauched, deranged; tainted, treacherous, treasonous; feeble, foul, fecked in the head.
Feel free to add your own descriptors to my short list.
Entire data centres have already melted down trying to fathom United States Presidoofus Donald J Trump’s latest public act of onanism, and it has taken me this long to process the farce staged on the South Lawn of the White house celebrating(?) his 80th birthday and pumping up his fragile, needy ego. As always, it was wrapped in enough patriotic red, white and blue bunting to fool the rubes that it was part of Usania’s 250th Independence Day celebrations, which are actually scheduled next month.
Demonstrating the sincerity and depth of that bare-knuckle patriotism, the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) released some A.I. slop showing Trump standing next to a huge American flag… with just 48 stars instead of 50 on it.
Did I watch Donnie Diaper’s latest shitshow? Feck no. I had a collection mismatched socks to sort. But I saw enough.
By now, you have probably seen enough too: a “professional fighting cage” taller than the White House itself, manufactured in Belgium, flown in and reassembled on the the same lawn where the Easter Egg Roll is among the oldest traditional events held by successive First Families since 1878. Yes, even the Trump Crime Family! (He was told there would be bunnies involved and felt nostalgic for Epstein’s island frolics).
But no eggs on Donny’s big birthday bash, no siree! This was special. This was historic. This was something nobody had ever seen before and hopefully will never see again.
Sweaty, half naked human punching bags parading inside the White House, where the ambushed Ukrainian president Zelenskyy was berated and humiliated by Trump’s bootlicks for not wearing a suit! Actual serving Marines and US troops used as stage props! In the words of one gushing, MAGA-addled cable sports channel that apparently thought it was a winning comment: “The fights took place in front of about 1,000 active military, who brought desperately needed energy to a crowd that was otherwise mostly elites and billionaires.”
Adding to the patriotic gravitas, one of those sweaty half naked punching bags – center stage – yelled “Michelle Obama is a man!” Gutter-level misogyny and racism that went unremarked by the drooping President or the vexatious feckwit who had handed him the microphone.
Don Jr caught on camera fiddling with a suspicious-looking baggy full of white powder! Don Jr again – and I shit you not – exposed the day before for apparently texting a UFC champion who was working as a commentator at the Mango Mussolini’s tribute show, for inside information in the hope of placing a safe bet: “Anything you can tell me about the fighters tomorrow? Who you got winning?” And “Are any of the fighters injured that you know of?” And the rancid cherry on top: “I’ll just cut to the chase. Are any of the fights tomorrow rigged?”
Far from the mixed martial arts sideshow on the South Lawn, fights broke out among the plebs who didn’t have a million dollars to pay for a ringside seat but had the privilege to watch it televised on giant screens that ran ads for Trump merch, including his crypto currency scam and a $12,000 “commemorative” coin that none of the plebs could afford either.
Jeez Louise, the human punching bags are also being paid bonuses “in a form of crypto currency issued by the Trump family business World Liberty Financial.”
Tawdry, gaudy and garish, all that was missing were dancing elephants, a giant Ferris wheel, and a rollercoaster circumnavigating the White House. Strippers and pole-dancers would have added a touch of class. Perhaps that came later, behind closed doors, who knows? Don Jr would have loved it.
And the highlight of this freak show? During the fights, the bloated old bag of orange lard was caught on camera napping. Again!
Meanwhile, the Strait of Hormuz remains closed and has been since March 2026 when Iran slammed the door shut after being attacked by Israel and the USA. That vital shipping lane remains shut to all but limited, selective traffic and approved nations, at Iran’s discretion. But sure, happy birthday, you senile orange feckwit!
Donny Diaper’s bizarre birthday bazaar on the very doorstep of the the so-called Peoples’ House has been compared to the movie Idiocracy as well as to episodes of Southpark and The Simpsons, but the last word here should go to The Atlanta Black Star:
“Supporters see a patriotic entertainment spectacle unlike anything America has hosted before. Critics see another reality television production wrapped in presidential branding. Either way, Trump once again found a way to turn politics into pay-per-view entertainment.”
