It seems that ever since former owner Kerry Packer carked it Australia's number one TV station has been run by clowns and charlatans who couldn’t organise a piss up in brewery. Previously it was easy; they could rely on TV shows that fed off the limp dicked patriotism of modern day Australia to make money. But now the new media landscape has confused the idiots in charge so much that the station is about to go belly up and the vultures are circling.
So before the receivers get their filthy little mitts on her, XenoxNews.com is willing to purchase this moribund media flagship of the nation and get her back on her feet again and in your living room.
Our bid? $2.50.
Well it’s more than what we offered Rupert for his clapped out newspapers…
So, what are our plans to make Channel 9 profitable again? Well, as you will see, they will have the younguns dropping their iPods and will drag the oldies away from their internet porn.
Bestiality to improve ratings and profitability? Yes. XenoxNews.com will try anything!
First up, we plan to resurrect that classic show ‘Hey Hey it’s Saturday’. But this time we will do things a little differently... Expect to see Daryl hosting the show hoisted above the Yarra River and naked as the day he was born, while Ossie will be fucked up his ostrich arse by a coterie of AFL footballers.
It will be a Variety Show for the 21st Century!
Next we will save money by merging two of the current flagship programs; A Current Affair and Big Brother. Expect a reality news show where we won’t let truth or the libel laws stand in the way.
On the new Big Current Affair Brother this week: Catholics vs Muslims. Who will win?
We will have important figures such as Archbishop Pell locked up in the house for a weekend with members of the Taliban. They will discuss the finer points of their respective religions while being poked by tasers controlled by you the viewer.
It will be like a replay of the Crusades with no holds barred!
And finally, we’re going to dig up Gra Gra again and give him his own show.
Back from the grave and on the new XenoxNews.com Channel 9!
Cause let’s face it; he was the only decent thing that shit TV channel ever had.