The world today

Monday, 11 March 2002 By Pervis
In a new series of articles Xenox News presents the World Today.

This week we report three newsworthy incidents:

1. Martini intake which has been steadily in decline is set to rise. Martini recipe sites are now in hot demand over the internet, search engines reporting up to 3000% increase in hits on Martini sites. 2. God is dead revisited. Not only has God been found dead, he has also been found to have been well over .05 in 43 incidents this month. The lastest incident reported by police was God found parked in the upper branches of a fir tree by a cliff in an un-roadworthy Datsun 323. His only statement at the time before expiring was 'Fuck it'. The police also found a near empty bottle of Stollies, a large plastic bag containing the dregs of what was analysed as premium cannabis flowers, and half a dozen back issues of the old printed versions of Xenox News in the car.

3. A survey of autopsy reports from around the globe suggest that a massive 60% of cadavers have smiles on their death mask. Although the typical life expectancy has increased by up to 9 years, (on average) it appears that people in their dying moment are more than happy to be rid of the place. (McDonald's corporation is now offering free happy death meals to patients on their last gasp. Get out now for a free cheeseburger and fries on your death bed)
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