THE FRIAR OF FRAUD DEFROCKED!
So, there it goes, Tony Abbott PM, like a cheap squash ball ricocheting off the walls, floor and ceiling, leaving every window broken, every racket unstrung and every player black and blue.
Max Gross bids farewell & feck you to a nasty, narcissistic, self-important prat who wrecked the place, paving the way for his nemesis.
Malcolm Turnbull PM.
How that crafty old arnfarkler must savor the sound of that title rolling from his silver tongue like honey-dipped couscous pearls.
New shovel, same pile of shit.
Nope, nope, nope? Yep, yep, yep!
Tony's demise is no surprise and yes, boys and girls, that "broad church" of spivs, bigots and nutters, the LIEbral party, has seen off its leader in precisely the same manner and for the same reasons that the Lobar party gutted its leader back in 2010: lousy polling and the paranoid fear of losing the next election.
The National party garden gnomes are spitting blood because they reckon Turnbull won't take them seriously as government partners but then again who does?
Abbott's gruesome praetorian guard of right-wing radio shlock-jocks are screaming foul and wetting themselves in a frenxy of piss and spittle.
Someone should remind them all of the pleasure they so gleefully expressed when Rudd got dudded by Gillard who then got shafted by a vengeful Rudd who then lost government and handed the prime ministership to Australia's most dangerous idiot, Tiny Maggot, the Friar of Fraud.
Justice supersedes irony.
It should also be noted that here in Australia voters do NOT get an opportunity to elect the prime minister. We vote for parties, folks, not people! And most of the fecking time we don't get even that!
Prior to the spill, fellow Catholic stalwart and fitness freak Cory Bernardi pledged his support for Abbott's (*cough!*) "credibility and honesty".
Moments later, manna fell from the sky and leprecauns danced a drunken jig on parliament's front lawn.
Responding to questions about yet another impending party room spill, ex MP LIEbral Sue Boyce voiced her adamant opposition to knifing Abbott... until nearer the next election!
A fine example of LIEbral scruples, right there.
Andrew Hastie, Abbott's pet candidate for Saturday's bi-election in Western Australia - and yet another religious fanatic - proclaimed he was ready, willing and able to loyally serve the people of Canning like he had served the nation in Afghanistan... with camo pants and a machine gun?
And speaking of spivs, meet your new prime minister!
With deputy leader Julie Bubbles gazing longingly upon his rosy, well-scrubbed visage, immediately after Abbott's execution in a party room spill, Malcolm Grech made the laughable claim that the LIEbrals are "the largest, most diverse grass roots" political party.
Malcolm the blue-blood toff, the former corporate silk (Google HIH collapse, kids!), the ex-merchant banker who wallowed in the morally bankrupt bog of financial speculation, is about as grass roots as Dame Edna Everidge.
More intellectual, more articulate, more arrogant and a hellova lot richer than Abbott, Turnbull is nonetheless just another smooth, smirking facade on the rotten LIEbral ediface.
Alarming to realise Turnbull hails from the same high-falutin' private school as the worst Australian prime minister until Abbott: Billy McMahon (And Google that twat)!
Abbott was Australia's George W. Bush. Turnbull is our very own Slick Willy.
The morning after Abbott's got the boot, the cool, calculating Turnbull popped up first thing to tell reporters Abbott's ouster was "a turn of events I had not expected" even though he and Jools shirt-fronted the dickhead beforehand and brought on the party room spill. Well might he say "it's a great time to seize the day"!
Julie Bubbles dismissed comparisons with Julia Gillard's overthrow of Rudd because, sayeth Jools, "I had become aware in recent times" of party "discontent" and therefore it was her duty as Deputy Leader to "inform" Abbott of his seething backbench and the "loss of confidence" of his colleagues...as if the past two blithering, blundering years were an immaterial mirage.
If Jools is being fair dinkum and Abbott really was unaware that everyone thought he was a lame duck, it means Abbott is even stupider than we all thought he was.
No wonder "tears were shed".
Ah, yes, Asbestos Julie! Always somehow managing to survive the bloody "Canberra insider games", comes up smelling of Chanel and preserving her skinny, haute coutured arse again, the devil in Prada incarnate.
In a televisual chat those pinko, Lefty tree-huggers at public broadcaster ABCTV were obliged by government decree to have with Tom Switzer, neo-con commentator and an old mate of Abbott's, the Switz shed a tear for a "decent and honorable" bloke who was self-evidently an indecent and dishonorable politician, party leader and prime minister.
And Bruce Bilson, LIEbral minister for small bullshit, popped up out of the mulch to praise Abbott as a "very classy, honorable man", begging the question: is Bilson smoking really good weed?
And now a mea culpa.
I predicted Abbott would be a one-term prime minister but I'm mensch enough to admit I was wrong.
The incompetent prat didn't even last that long.
Australia suffered the shame and indignity of almost 2 years of Tony Abbott's grotesque prime ministership.
Julia Gillard, whom he so mercilessly, relentlessly assaulted while she was prime minister, held the job for three years and three days. And Rudd was PM for 2 years 286 days.
So poor widdle Tony One-note has missed out on a juicy prime ministerial pension of $600,000 p.a. by 4 days. Now THAT is worth celebrating, people!
Will I say it? Will I? OK: Abbott's age of entitlement is over!
Since putting aside his glory days as a merchant banker, Mal T has been patiently beavering his way towards the prime ministership with the unerring drive of a homing missile.
In last night's party room spill, he scored 10 votes more than Abbott.
That's 9 votes more than initially got Abbott the party leadership.
There's a joke in there somewhere but I'm too fecking dizzy to tease it out.
Don't forget Turnbull previously (2008) stabbed then LIEbral Leader Brendan Nelson in the back to take his job, only to later (2009) be stabbed in the back by Abbott.
Now Malcolm strikes back at Abbott just as everyone with a functioning brain always knew he would.
Turnbull's hunger for the top job and poor judgement were both starkly exposed back in 2009 when he seized upon the senior civil service bureaucrat Godwin Grech, that demented LIEbral mole whose forged "evidence" in the so-called ute-gate scandal Mal thought would help him overthrow Kevin Rudd's blossoming prime ministership.
Hmm, I wonder if Tiny Maggot finally offered to sell his arse... if only he could be PM just a little longer...
Mal's life's ambition - 45 years! - was achieved by the same old lies, duplicity and back-stabbing we the people are so fecking sick of seeing played out by career politicians who have the moral scruples of a pederast on crack.
Turnbull is just a bit of glossy new wrapping concealing the same old box of crackers.
Did you see the conga line of liars lining up to thank Abbott for his service, to praise his good government and spruik how terrific his "achievements" were?
Even Abbott's chief assassin Mal T got up in the House of Reps and used his opening address as freshly minted PM to deliver Tony A's eulogy and thank him for screwing up so consistently.
Insider gossip? What insider gossip? Tony Abbott was such a great PM his colleagues were obliged to stick 54 daggers into his rubbery spine.
For Brutus is an honorable man!
That's right, the dodgy, deceitful, dysfunctional bastards are still in charge.
As for the "credible and honest" man himself, immediately after the party room ballot Tony Abbott did what he has always done when confronted with reality: he went into hiding, probably sulking in a cupboard in a back room at the Federal Police College where he was ensconced wasting taxpayers' money for the past two years.
Typical Tiny Maggot, all puff, bluff and weak as piss, incapable of stopping the votes of his own consultative, collegial "team" members.
Late yesterday afternoon when Abbott finally emerged to concede his banishment to the backbench by his Almighty God and colleagues he, of course, blamed everyone but himself, focusing his petulant ire at the news media whom he accused of "rewarding treachery" and "character assassination".
And this outrageous bullshit came from the gaping gob of the weak, scurrilous ratbag who became PM through treachery and character assassination, alongside lies, malice and callous disregard for anyone or anything standing between him and the seat of power he coveted so remorselessly.
The bastard who sanctimoniously demanded standards of conduct of others that he does not apply to himself didn't even have the intestinal fortitude to go to Government House and tender his resignation to the Governor-General like his predecessors did.
Ever the spoiled brat, he FAXED it in.
But, being a brazen bullshit artist and congenitally blind to his own hubris, Abbott - as if stricken with dementia - has pledged his support for and loyalty to Turnbull.
And we all know what Tony Abbott's pledges, promises and blood oaths are worth.
On ya bike, dickhead.
And speaking of bikes, coincidentally, in New South Wales where both Turnbull and Abbott hold their electoral seats, it is Bike Week!
No, really, it is!
So, let the Canberra Insider Games roll on because we all know who the real winners are: the Twitterati!
Take a bow, people-who-cogitate!
Just gird your loins for the plethora of LIEbral excuses and the robotic regurgitation of scripted dialogue like "looking-forward-not-back", "getting on-with-job" and LOOK-OVER-THERE-TERRORISTS!
Ah, the LIEbrals, such a broad church!
As old turds sink in a cesspool, fresh turds rise to the surface.
Meanwhile, back in the real world, a new study expects living standards for single parents and jobless Australians to get much worse in the foreseeable future.
And in Europe the worst humanitarian crisis since the Second World War is threatening to end the European Union as 12 million displaced people risk everything in the hope of safe passage to a survivable future.
Enjoy your safe, clean bed tonight, folks. There but for the grace of birthplace go we all.