Lord Conrad Black Forced to Auction Off Everything to Pay Debts

Tuesday, 01 August 2006 By Unregistered Corresp

Lord Conrad Black the Disgraced Canadian-Born Mogul, House of Lords Members and Former Press Baron Accused of Looting Millions From His Own Company Faced a Ferocious New Judge in His American Court Appearance

In a stunning development that has shocked the Canadian and US business community, Lord Conrad Black was informed by an irate judge today that he must immediately sell all of his assets, without exception, and the most of the sale will take place through auctions.

The judge bellowed "I say: It's time to put all of his assets up for sale and start raising money to replace his losses."

Sell His Homes and His Cars

She continued: "Put his condos and apartments and beach house up for auction, as well as his Bentley and his Mercedes. That Bentley is driven o­nLY by a chauffer. Give the chauffer the chance to bid first! A professional auctioneer would be needed. Sell his golf clubs and every stick of his furniture; seize his stock portfolio and his savings. Do what is necessary to pay off the debts. That would go a long way towards the millions he squandered".

Lord Black's famously defiant and dignified face began to tremble and his lawyers tried to interrupt, but the hudge went o­n:

"And why should you dress like a king? Ebay is the place to sell used clothes! We'll start with your current outfit! Now we can start with the shoes; as they say the first thing people notice are your shoes - those fancy executive shoes, shined to perfection no doubt by someone who makes a few dollars an hour, would probably bring in a nice sum.

Just attach the term "Worn by Lord Conrad Black" to them, put them up o­n ebay and start the bidding.

Of course, I expect you put up a fight, MISTER Black. The process of dragging those shoes off your upper class heels and aristocratic soles - and against your imperial will - presents a challenge. Impeccably dapper billionaire moguls do not usually like to be parted from their mirror-polished footwear in public. However the ensuing battle will bid up the price!"

"My shoes!" muttered Black. "But I..."

She interrupted him.

"No doubt you will raise a ruckus. SORRY! Let's go! OK Lord Black, lose the high class brogues NOW! I want you barefoot in 30 seconds!"" "Disgraced Lord Surrenders $1,000 Shoes to Top Bidder"! It has a nice ring. And take away (or yank off - whichever is necessary) those black silk socks - no doubt they are silk - and toss them in with the shoes - the price goes up."

"Barefoot..." gasped the aristocratic former press baron. He began to say in his seat as court police already had their eyes o­n his feet.

"That dapper blue corporate suit you're wearing is a real beauty. "Take a look at the way the jacket hangs and the way the cuffs brush the shoes; note the subtle pinstripe; now THIS suit was made by an expert tailor!" (I'm preparing for the auction)" shouted the judge in a frenzy.

"MY SUIT!" Lord Black whispered. "This...this can't be...."

"That suit will be the prize of the ebay sale; of course there is the little matter of stripping it off its current lordly owner. If you happens to leave his wallet inside his pocket and the keys to his spare Porsche - well, so much the better. Then the silk necktie, the matching braces, the starched shirt, the silver tiepin, and the monogrammed cufflinks will be taken off him as well - and will pick up quite a bit at auction. And of course the Rolex that will be removed from your wrist."

The courtroom was buzzing with stunned comments and whispers as Lord Black sat listening to the plans for separating him from all off his property. 

Among the impressive collection of clothes to be auctioned are the following suits, ties, shoes, shirts and cufflinks - worn by their former owner

A photo of Lord Black wearing clothes that will be sold this week

"Why stop there?" she yelled. "RANSACK HIS WARDROBE! Sell everyting. Take all of his expensive clothes - all the Saville Row suits, ties, shirts and shoes, with the shoe trees still in them. Leave no lordly cufflink unturned! Leave no silk business sock hiding in his dresser! Grab his cashmere overcoats and the Burberry trenchcoats. And don't forget to plunder his formal wear!"

"NOT MY TUXEDOS!" bellowed Black who was finally recovering from his shock. "YOU HAVE NO RIGHT!" he roared.

But the embattled aristo had his hands full as court police were pulling off his socks as he spoke. This interfered with his ability to stand. 

The judge contined, relentless: "The Italian tux and the white tie and tails you wear so often will pull in thousands - throw in the Gucci patent leather pumps and maybe Donald Trump would join in with a bid. "Lord Black's Armani tuxedo - worn o­nly twice - SOLD to Donald Trump for an undisclosed amount". Moguls often enjoy bringing down other moguls."

"Trump putting his proletraian feet in MY pumps! NO!" yelled Lord Black, now barefoot as the police started taking off his cufflinks and necktie.

"We will take away and sell your television and your subscription to the London Financial Times and all business cards and your membership in the Stock Exchange and your cell phone and your IPOD and your laptop!" she`shrieked.

Lord Black was fighting to keep the keys to his car, his suspenders and his necktie from four determined police force members.

"Auction off his season ticket to the opera and his bath towels and his pyjamas and his cologne and the carpets off his office floor and the paneled oak off the office walls and his mahogany office desk and his leather chair and his frequent flyer miles!" she screamed.

Lord Black squirmed in anguish as his pinstriped suit was dragged off him.

"Put everything up for auction, and the results MIGHT pay for a drop of the millions he lost or stole or wasted. We'll leave you with his agile brain, your eloquence, your teeth and that distinguished head of silver hair - although maybe not so distinguished as his comb will be sold as well. What will your new image be after the big sale? You will wear overalls and a not-too-clean tee shirt and go barefoot. It may be wise for you to lose the title. The people you will associate with in your new life will probably not appreciate it."

"You mean I will never be allowed to wear SHOES!" cried Lord Black.

The judge went o­n: "Dressed like that, your employment prospects will be limited, and your life as a white collar man would end - and as you will remain shoeless, travel to your beloved Britain will be unlikely. The House of Lords still has a dress code. But no doubt menial work of some kind can be found for a man of such intense energy and imagination: perhaps cleaning out sewer pipes or picking up roadside trash? Meanwhile, let ordinary people who will never earn o­ne thousandth of what you had step into your vacated Italian wingtips or drive your Bentley or live in your magnificent home or wear your pinstriped suits. The hearing is over!"

Lord Black, now wearing overalls, collapsed into his seat with his head in hands. The court police noticed that his school ring and his Rolex were still o­n those hands - and immediately divested him of that property.

Sales begin next week.

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