Wednesday, 31 March 2010 By Max Gross

Standing on a golden Aussie shore where the beer flows like wine, Max Gross strips down to his baggy board shorts, puffs out his skinny white chest and dives into the brine to battle waves of bullshite.

Picture PreviewTalk about dope-on-a-rope! Some apparently sober media pundits have suggested that Tony Abbott, the current cardboard cut-out of a Liberal leader, is the “fittest alternative prime minister Australia has seen”, for his participation in a rough and tough 226-kilometre “iron man” triathlon.

Others claim that, despite his photogenic Baywatch Speedos, Abbott is all smuggle and no budgies.

As far as I’m concerned, Br'er Abbott can run, jump, skip, swim and ride a bike, wear pink lycra or budgie smugglers or a grass skirt with a bone through his nose for all I care, he still has no policies, is too much the extremist catholic zealot, changes his mind at the toss of a coin and has become a caricature.

PM material? I think not.

And that’s the issue. With his pretty obvious strategy of providing voters with a daily media stunt and opposing everything the federal Labor government says and does, Abbott has turned himself into a cartoon character.

Wyle E. Coyote? Genius?

In a belated attempt to minimise further embarrassment, Abbott has shifted that beetroot-faced, foot-in-mouth nutter Bananaby Joyce sideways but still can't shut him up. Abbott has also lost his main backer, the execrable Nick Munchkin, who has announced his decision to retire due to “family reasons” (Which, for once in a pollie’s life, happens to be true, rather than anything to do with getting his hand caught in a cookie jar or up a skirt).

It was Munchkin - the ultra-right "powerbroker" and leader of the neo-con scumbags in the Senate - who psychotically declared the fight against global warming was a communist conspiracy.Picture Preview

Communists? What, the Chinese? The North Koreans? The Vietnamese? Wait, don't tell me, it's that old reprobate the ferocious Fidel Castro - so feared and loathed by the poor, tiny, defenceless USA - who is behind the international science community's consensus regarding climate change. Viva Fidel!

Yeah, right, so long Nick and thanks for all the fish. Just don't forget to take your feckin' meds.

And with Munchkin abandoning a clearly sinking ship, that leaves an increasingly depleted cesspool of aging party hacks like Ruddock and "Creepy Jesus" Andrews and raving, right-wing wing-nuts like Joyce and Abetz to somehow stop stabbing each other in the eye with pencils and nostalgically browsing through the John Howard family album, get their act together and prepare for the worst: their second electoral defeat.

And that's bound to be an even bigger rout that the one that sent the Lying Rodent packing.

With just months to go before the next federal election, Abbott still doesn't have a health policy he's willing to release or discuss yet.

So what was the point of his demanding the recent “debate” with the PM on health which, to everyone’s surprise, the PM cunningly agreed to and proceeded to use Br’er Abbott as a mop while the ex-seminarian stone-walled, cackled maniacally and quipped like a crack-head on amateur hour at the pub.

Br’er Abbott later grudgingly admitted that voters prefer “a man with a plan” but, as Michelle Grattan pointed out in Melbourne’s mainstream daily The Age, when quizzed about the immediate drop in the polls in support for both the Libs and for Abbott, he dipped into his swag of weasel words and pulled out the announcement that he wouldn't ''necessarily oppose'' the PM’s plan.

Did you catch that? “Necessarily”?

Ah yes, the Mad Monk is slippery as soap on a rope.Picture Preview

You want to know what Abbott’s current policy is on [insert subject here]? Just wait 5 minutes.

The fact is that Br'er Abbott's policy position changes daily, depending on where he is and who is listening (if anyone).

As Barry Humphries once asked: what is a ratbag?

And as my neighbour Kosta asked: did you notice Abbott has more hair on his chest than on his head?

What we do know is what Br’er Abbott did during his term as a minister in the deposed and discredited Howard government.

He declared the science of climate change was “crap”.

As Minister for Health, Abbott blocked stem-cell research and the availability of the so-called “abortion drug” RU 486 for Australian women.

He advocated the destruction of Medicare and blamed nurses’ wages for the cost of health care.

His criticised women seeking abortions and pushed for funding "alternative" (that is, church-based) phone “counselling” for women seeking advice on terminations.

He believes the process of getting divorced is “too easy” and has proposed to reinstate "at-fault" divorce.

And then there’s his life-long admiration for that religious extremist Bob Santamaria, of whom Br’er Abbott was and remains a devoted disciple.

Try as he might, well-toned Tony just can’t keep his extreme Catholic-derived beliefs to himself.

Abbott reckons “bible classes” should be compulsory.Picture Preview

Verily sayest the Mad Monk: ‘It would be impossible to have a good general education without at least some serious familiarity with the Bible and with the teachings of Christianity”.

And all this while a sexual abuse scandal rocks the Vatican and its frock-wearing vassals and the infallible Pope Bentdick justifies his negligent attitude to priests hooked on paedophilia by declaring he will not be ''intimidated'' by ''petty gossip'.

So whatever Abbott may or may not say as the nation plods mind-numbingly towards Election Day, make no mistake: this dangerous drongo wants to impose his warped personal views of morality on all Australians.

His own daughter called him called him a ''lame, gay, churchy loser” []

Loser, yes, in oh so many ways, but a gift that just keeps on giving for comedians and for morons who don't believe in science and think this little ol' planet Earth is not only just 6,000 years old but flat..

And speaking of gifts, Br’er Abbott publicly declared “virginity is a gift”. Supposedly, he was referring to female virginity. Obviously, not his own.

My own personal experience suggests that it all depends on who’s doing the gift giving and who’s doing the receiving (Man, that was one weekend I really want to forget!).

Be afraid, people, be very afraid because Tony Abbott’s private and public political beliefs are, like those of his venomous mentor, ousted PM John Winston Horror, bogged down in the good-old-days of black and white television, FC Holdens, women chained to kitchen sinks and Reds-under-beds: the 1950s.

And while Roborudd’s critics rightly claim the government’s many plans have largely gone off half-cocked, they fail to mention the impact of the Amerikkkan-made Global Financial Cock-up and that Rudd’s soft-Labor team confronts the most obstructive, bloody-minded Senate in 30 years.

Not surprisingly, these naysayers nonetheless all support what is clearly the stupidest policy decision of any Australian government ever: the Rudd/Conroy Chinese-style Internet Filter with its infamous “secret” blacklist of websites deemed (By whom? Rudd? Conroy? Some dazed public servant?) as “refused classification.”Picture Preview

There goes glorious, I reckon.

But genuine parliamentary bipartisanship? Not likely with a pack of former Howard Era/Error zombies and parasites still on the crossbenches.

With their anachronistic born-to-rule mentality, these creeps are convinced that whenever they are voted out of office it’s simply a flaw in the democratic process.

Just like the demented Republican nut bags who failed in their vicious attempts to sabotage U.S. President Barack Obama’s recently won health reforms.

Sad to say but, until Obama’s efforts, America the Be-yootiful was the only one of the world's developed nations without universal healthcare for its citizens and where, as the Speaker of the House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi, said: "Even to be a woman was a pre-existing medical condition."

Home of the brave, indeed!

But, as we here at Xenox News say: feck ‘em all, the bastards!

And as for that triathlon, can someone please tell me where Br’er Abbott ended up (And please don’t say in front of a bathroom mirror)?

This was Max Gross for Xenox News, looking for a fluffy white towel, a room with a view and an ice cold vodka spritzer, wishing all our readers a very merry Cruci-fiction Day. Prost und Zum Wohl, kamaraden!

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