Monday, 25 February 2013 By Max Gross


Beds are not the only things burning in Australia. The roof, the roof, the roof....

Max Gross, raving reporter for XENOXONEWS.COM. recently released on his own recogsizance from a State mental ward, accepts the Editor's offer of a box of Russkaya Standart vodka, a bucket of ice and a cricket bat to assess political decay Down Under

Pass the ammo, take no prisoners, don't spare the sheeple, do no body counts and fill those flagons!

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Highlighting Australia's current climate of political mendacity and opacity [Like that one Ed?], when PM Julia Gillard announced the federal election date as September 14, disingenuous Jews with right-wing agendas broke cover waving yarmulkes and whining they were being disenfranchised because it coincides with Yom Kippur, that odd cultural phenomenon when no "observant" Jew may move, breathe or shit.


The Australian Election Commission clearly states that every Australian citizen may vote early either in person or by post if, among other things, on election day they have religious beliefs that prevent them from attending a polling place. Moving right along...

Mad monkeys have escaped their cages, rabid, wild-eyed and spraying piss like rain as they swing from poll to poll.

Waves of steaming bullshit surge down every alley, street and highway as if it were glorious summer rain.
Image PreviewFrenzied Australian voters with the memories of goldfish have wriggled into their board shorts and bikinis to wallow in the cesspool.
And there, on an ivy leaf-strewn diving platform fit for a Caesar, high above the gormless rabble, proudly stands the Vatican's Swimming Coach, the Fiberal Party's leader and crash-test dummy, Mr Tony "trust me" Abbott.

Lazy, pampered mainstream media whores are complicit in the Fiberal scam of the century, indulging the preposterous Abbott in his obsessive, ego-driven dummy-spit. So far the only thing MSM Muppets haven't done is grace the Monsignor with a blow-job or golden shower. Manna from heaven!

So far.

Sheeple are grumbling at the delay entrenched between PM Gillard's election announcement and the actual polling day.
They are not sheeple for nothing. Oh, wait, actually they ARE!

Like the endless Bush/Obama/US "war-on-terror" (copyright White House USA and Pentagon trademarked), political discourse in Australia too is crippled by a facile 24/7 campaign cycle, to the detriment of democracy and a betrayal of the electorate. These days that's all there is.

Loyal Abbotteers and Fiberal supporters should give a sigh of relief for the delay because the incredibly fit-for-his-age man-on-a-bike needs all the time he can get to gather his many "important" thoughts to form just one coherent statement and produce at least one credible (genuinely budgeted!) policy.
Anyway Abbott has been "campaigning" for the prime minister's office ever since he blew his chance three years ago when the minority parties held all the cards at the last federal election and a "hung" parliament was inevitable thanks to Australian voters. But by haranguing and attempting to bribe the Independents and Greens he just put them offside. Meanwhile the sitting PM Julia Gillard successfully negotiated a minority government.

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Enraged and entitled Tony Abbott just can't get over it but luckily he has his chief of staff Peta Creeplin whispering in his ear promises of a parliamentary El Dorado: trust me, Tony, wearing a yellow safety vest and hard hat is a sure-fire way of confirming your rapport with the mug punters out there. Here, cuddle this helpless and misunderstood mining mogul while I arrange the TV cameras!

Three years! And still the Opus Dei crackpot can't string a coherent sentence - or policy - together!

Stop the um, err boats. Great big um new um tax. Carbon thingy ah, Whyalla um, will be wiped um off the um, ah, err, map, just because it will. So there, nyah! Now piss off before I smash your face in!

Glib lies and purple prose serve as Abbott's battle cry. Pythons are striking and squeezing and spitting venom for the sake of his divine political ascendancy.

Tory Tony, the "friend of working people", the same bloke who once proclaimed "a bad boss is like a bad husband - doing more good than harm".

Just remember it was Abbott, as employment minister, who dismantled the old Commonwealth Employment Service, privatised its functions by selling them off to fly-by-night operators, rorters and religious groups, and who created the grossly incompetant Jobs Network.

Claims of aggressive misogyny have snapped at Br'er Abbott's heels since his university years (provided free in those days, courtesy of that Labor giant with feet of clay, the visionary Gough Whitlam). Abbott dismissed those accusations with narrowed eyes and speechless fury and presented his missus as evidence to the contrary.

Seated alarmingly close to her in a TV studio as she tells a talking head what a good boy her Tony is really, the menacing look on Abbott's face says it all: one wrong word, bitch!

Image PreviewBut apparently Tony's wife likes him. No, really. She said so! That's nice. And he has pretty daughters. That's nice too. What's more, he is a really good bloke because he volunteers here and there. She said so!

And he swims, cycles, hops, skips and jumps. Every now and then he drives a truck, fillets a fish and sexes a chicken. He chortles. He smirks.

He takes instruction from demented radio shock jocks and specious Vatican CEOs (in their spare time when not covering up priestly paedophilia).

For Queen and cuntry, what more does Australia need in a prime minister?!

By God, the world stage will quake when Tony Abbott PM swaggers forth like John Wayne after horse-riding all week to declare his universal wisdom that it is "just because it is".

Image PreviewAnd these powerful prime ministerial credentials are reinforced by economic geniuses like jolly Joe Hockey, the Shadow Treasurer, who these days prefers hiding in the shadows.

Has that serial dummkompf got the latest model abacus yet?

Repeat after me, Joe: 1 plus 1 equals 2, 2 plus 2 equals four, 4 plus 4 equals... Now Joe! Stop making faces and sit down or you'll stay back after school to write a hundred lines: I am a gutless, nutless Fiberal hack with no ideas and no clue how to comport myself seriously in public.
Hockey apparently thinks losing a few kilos is all he needs to do to steal the real Treasurer's job [Come on Ed, that little gem must be worth another carton of Russkaya Standart!].

As for public education, R & D, aboriginal welfare, universal health care or safeguarding finite natural resources and Australia's unique biodiversity: both Libs and Labs are droning the same dirge from the same fraudulent "free market" songbook on those and many other vital national issues.

National interest was discarded in 1975 in favour of pork-barrels and political expediency with the fascist coup that brought down the innovative Whitlam Labor government. Gough Whitlam, the only PM in Australia's history to drive genuine change for the good of all but at the expense of the filthy rich and feckless fuckers who eventually got together with the CIA to bring him down.

Lest we forget.

Image PreviewBut the Gillard Labor minority government's historic introduction of the National Broadband Network to bring Australia's communication systems into the 21st century is simply not on. Br'er Abbott has a much better plan! Yes, and cheaper too!

Businesses, universities, doctors and rural communities can't wait for this brilliant improvement to their lives and livelihoods.

Ta-daah! OK, Tony, bring out those two tin cans and that really, really long piece of string!
Meanwhile, PM Gillard's minority Labor government has overseen near record unemployment rates (whatever that means), near perfect GDP growth and Australia's economy is apparently the envy of the entire OECD, being the ONLY nation to survive the Global Financial Crisis with a AAA rating (for what it's worth). Even the deposed economic genius, Fiberal hero and Lying Rodent John Winston Howard, failed to achieve that (for what it's worth).
Remember the GFC? You, the fat grinning investment bank CEO in the front row? What about you, miss, the fat grinning private mortgage lender? Hey, you there, the superannuation funds manager rushing for the exit clutching an investment portfolio. Anyone? Someone? Yes, sir, you, the skinny bloke with no teeth wearing a garbage bin bag, down the back with his hand up.

Correct, sir! It was the most devastating global financial catastrofuck since the Great Depression of the 1920's.

Someone give that man some shoes.

Image PreviewThe recent GFC was the first time in US history that public funds - tax received from every man and women in the home of the naïf and the land of the dweeb - was used to prop up corrupt private-for-profit financial conglomerates that were said to be too big to be allowed to fail and thereby threaten the nation's viability to be... a nation!!!

Not to mention the threat to the lifestyles of the reckless free-loading fuckers responsible for the economic catastrofuck in the first place.

Euro Zone nations were crippled by the US disaster, as were Iceland, Greece, Spain and so-called Eastern Block countries. They struggle still and anything may happen.

So much for the Fiberal's magical, mystical and flawless "free market". So much for Capitalism. So much for the fair-go drip feed, the crumbs from the landlord's table, the fallacious "trickledown effect" from rich to poor. It's dead, buried and cremated (sic).

It's now a big fat bloated zombie, full of pus and poison, brought back to life by a bastardised version of Socialism as practised by the 1% who own just about everything you and I can see, hear, taste and smell. But we cannot touch. Oh no, mustn't touch! Not now, not ever.

You were saying, Queen Antoinette?

Now, some egregious [Like that one, boss?] nitwits reckon if the Fiberals dumped Abbott and reinstated his betrayed predecessor, "former merchant banker" Malcolm Turnbull (the man Abbott stabbed in the back), an election win in September would not only be guaranteed but also the party's born-to-rule legitimacy would be restored.


Think Turnbull, think Godwin Grech (and HIH). Think Abbott, think speechless nodding in barely restrained fury. Think 2013, think Labour/minority government for another term. It's Australia's only hope for growing democracy rather than pruning it.

The tragedy for Australia is that both major parties these days are fundamentally right-of-centre, with the Fiberals bordering on the self-destructive extremist fringe. Labor has either forgotten, misplace or abandoned its social responsibilities, those crucial elements that improve the lot of those those who-have-not.

The fibbing Liberals are our Tea Party nutters. The only thing they are liberal with is the truth. Fund-a-mental.

Image PreviewWith his jaundiced eye on the prize, Monsignor Abort is adjusting his Opus Day testicle clamp and placing his bets on voters with short-term memory loss, chronic idiocy and the 10% or so of the electorate who have no idea who to vote for until they step into a cheap, wobbly cardboard booth.

In Australia, who needs hanging chads!

Abbott is a self-confessed serial liar. He said it himself. Whatever blurts from his mouth cannot be believed unless it is "scripted" and "written down". A Jesuit after all, praise Jesus!

How do you know when he lies? His lips move.

So enough already with the idiotic bleating about surpluses! You want a fecking surplus then stop the popular rorts and top-up the nation's kitty. Scrap the dodgy family trust scheme. Dump the private health insurance pork barrel. Abolish negative gearing that condemns property renters to penury. Remove the obscene tax-free status of religious institutions. Cease self-defeating public funding of private education and return the money to government schools. Impose a genuine mining super-profits tax. And more besides.

Now, which political party has the guts and vision to do the right thing!

Not the Libs. Not the Labs.

Forget the Fiberal white noise. Julia Gillard's prime ministerial mandate was confirmed by considerate negotiation with the minority parties. That's the proper and legitimate, democratic process. Br'er Abbott blew the same opportunity through arrogance, aggressive intransigence and silly superciliousness [Ha! How was that one, Ed!] which continues to this day.

Risking eternal damnation, I daresay that Australia's first female Prime Minister Julia Gillard is a fallen angel, compromised and tainted, taking Labor further to the right of centre than even her predecessors but...

But - and it is a legitimate BUT - despite Fiberal lies, conspiratorial efforts of sabotage and relentless arnfarkling, Gillard has governed with dignity, grace and authority while Br'er Abbott and his apostles run round barking, snarling and sniffing each other’s bum holes as if it amounts to serious national policy and a vision for Australia's present and future.

Sane Aussies are praying for yip-yapping Chris Pyne, Fiberal Federal Member for Sturt, Shadow Minister for Education, Apprenticeships and Training and Manager of Opposition Business in the House of Representatives (Whew!) to take his laxatives.

The MSM are all cock-a-hoop and almost uni-any-mouse in their chatter that Australia's next prime minister will inevitably be Mr Tony "people skills" Abbott, aka Phony Tony, aka The Flake, aka the Mad Monk, aka Action Man, aka the "gay, churchy loser", aka Mr Just Because It Is, aka the love child of John Howard and Bronwyn Bishop (That's not a tableau I want in my head!).

And have heard Abbott's creepy laugh? Is he channelling Muttly the cartoon dog from the old Snidely Whiplash cartoon show?

Image PreviewThere is no Labor Party. There is no Liberal Party. What we have here is a duopoly with minor variations (A bit like Woolies and Coles), so the best we can hope for is another "hung" parliament with minority parties keeping the bastards honest... or, at least, accountable.

What Australia needs now is a really well-hung parliament!

Failing that, we can only hope, for the sake of future generations, that the Mendacious Monsignor contracts bat disease.

Anyhoo, this was Max Gross reporking for XENOXNEWS.COM and hoping for another minority government - Lab or Lib scarcely matters - but the current so-called hung Parliament has delivered genuine democracy for the first time in Australian history.

Cheers, children!

[That's it Ed. Now bless this vessel and all who drink from her!].

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