Tuesday, 12 February 2013 By Religous Affairs Correspondent

Pope Bentdick the Sixteenth has decided to quit. That in itself is a step forward for what many regard as a moribund and anachronistic institution. To help the new Pontiff get the Catholic “Firm” relevant to a 21st century audience here are four easy tips he should follow:

#1 Rebuilding the Catholic brand

2000 years of strength. 2000 years of amazing characters. 2000 years of fanatical superheroes – The Saints!  The Holy Roman Catholic Church has a great story to sell; it just needs to get its message across to today’s wired and interconnected audience. The Pope joining Twitter is a start but perhaps a multi pronged marketing strategy is needed. Why not get into the Superhero Movie Franchise? Who wouldn’t like to see the amazing story of Saint Stephen and his 6 finger cross? Or Saint Mary McKillop and her deadly Dildo of Doom? Many we spoke with said they would!

He has a Sword and Wings? Yes - it's SuperPriest!


#2 Strengthening the flock

What can the Church do to support its faitful flock of customers? For too long the poor suckers in the pews have been taken for granted by the Vatican authorities. Howabout a bit more pizzaz in the services? At least a more edible wafer! Or even some wine that doesn’t taste like it was squeezed from the sour tits of Mother Mary. Any of these things would help keep the Sunday morning worshippers entertained and coming back for more.




Bentdick pioneered new ways to make Church on Sunday less of a chore...


#3 Preists and their Peckers – What to do?

Christ I don’t know. Just tell them to keep it in their cassocks and away from the prying eyes of today’s nosey social media.



And for fuck sake keep clowns like Pell out of the spotlight! Perhaps send him to a Parish in Tierra del Fuego?


#4 Get thee to the Nunnery! Bringing back the horny worshipper

For too long the Church has ignored their greatest asset – the Nuns. These virgin delights have been hidden away in the convents and cloisters for too long. The new Pope needs to get these Women out of their caves and front and centre in any new re-launch of the Catholic brand. Let's have their habits a bit shorter; their headresses a bit tighter, and their legs in stockings and suspenders. His Eminence will be amazed at the increase in Church attendance these small changes could make… And please - don’t forget the kinky wear!



Hmmmm... What does the Mother Superior wear under her habit?


It doesn't take much; all the marketing experts we spoke with agreed that if the new Pontiff followed any of these pointers he could prise the Number 1 religion title form those heathen Muslims.


And, after all, isn't that a goal all right thinking folk will support?

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