US Ambassador Threatens Aussie Labor Leader

Saturday, 08 February 2003 By Max Gross

In keeping with US Foreign Policy Directive BBBB (Bullying, Blackmail, Bribery and Bullshit), the US Ambassador to Australia, Tom Shafter has threatened the Leader of the Australian Labor Party with a Black Ops visit at some undisclosed time and place.

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Federal Opposition Leader Simon Cringe had no sooner mustered the necessary yarbles to criticise Australia's participation in the planned US invasion of Iraq, when Ambassador Shafter appeared on the Happy Smiley Channel looking very, very cross.

"You pissant colonials better snap to or we'll not only cut your goddamn foreign aid we'll cut off your goddamn balls," Shafter snarled through gritted teeth (Must be all that Aussie sand getting into his false mandibles). "This is a war on TERRORISM, by Gawd! TERRORISM! Against TERRORISTS. I'm talking TERRORIST states here. And TERRORIST organisations. And TERRORIST marsupials. That's right TERRORISTS, people, you better believe it. Because we have the TERRORIST goods on all them TERRORISTS, TERROR, GRRR, GRRR!. Yeah, we know all about the TERRORISTS, GRR, because we know it all, get it!"

A timely bucket of water splashed in Ambassador Shafter's face calmed him down long enough to get him off the table and pull the Aussie Prime Minister's tongue from his anus, but he was soon foaming at the mouth again.

"By gawd I love your Awe-strian Prime Menstrual John Howser", Shafter declared, slapping his hand to his heart and smashing his pacemaker. "He is a real friend of the You-nighted States, and he really really hates TERRORISTS! That's right, he's on OUR side, not the side of the TERRORISTS! Becasue he knows if'n you're NOT or OUR side, then you're on THEIR side, and that reallys gets in my craw, by gawd! And he knows Saddam is a TERRORIST, GRRR, GRRR, and has weapons of misconception because we've shown JOHN the sales receipts! TERRORIST sales receipts, damn it, GRRR! And we have a photograph of a GRRR, TERRORIST to prove it…"

Picture PreviewFumbling in his pockets, the Ambassador pulled out a thick wad of hash, hastily concealed it behind his ear, then brandished a 8 x 10 glossy of a tall, bearded man with doe-like eyes and wearing a turban.

"Goddamn!" he muttered, quickly hiding the photo and pulling another from his back pocket. "Here is the TERRORIST I'm talking about. HIM! Saddam TERRORIST Hussein, that's who and we gotta wipe his TERRORIST ass out before he wises up and lets us have it first! The goddamn TERRORIST, TERROR, TERROR, GRR, RRR, GRR, ROWF! RUFF! ARF ARF! BARK, BARK, BARK! WOOF! WOOF, WOOF!"

Studio staff at the Happy Smiley Channel managed to subdue the salivating US Ambassador only after a considerable struggle and a large bowl of Pal with a picture of Prime Minister Howard on it.

This was Max Gross, stocking up on Pal, pulling the pin of another can of VB, and watching with glee as John Howard digs a hole too deep for even that slippery little weasel to crawl out of. Cheers!
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