Oh the rumbles and shenanigans are going off in Canberra! Seems like every Tom Dick & Tony are having their say and the possibilities for Australian politics are endless.
So let’s rattle off a few likely scenarios on who could be Aussie PM by the end of today:
Julia G. The Parliamentary ALP have a leadership spill and she comes up on top again. Bob Katter flogs his chook in parliament while Albanese spunks over Chrissy Pyne in open display of joy and derision.
Kevin Rudd. Rudd wins leadership spill, starts spewing out Mandarin at question time and then has Peter Garrett leap up on to the speaker’s chair to do a rendition of “I don’t wanna be the one”
Bob Katter. The ALP leadership spill is a tie. The house dissolves and Green MPs run buck naked up and down the parliament stairs. Bob Katter grabs the speaker’s gavel and belts Tony Abbott in the gob with it and declares himself King of Queensland and Lord of the Rest of Australia. The voters yawn and roll over to continue being diddled up the arse by Rupert and Gina.
Herr Fucknuckle. A huge crowd of disaffected voters gathers outside of parliament waving their iPhones and dancing to the Macarena after someone spikes the communal bowl with MDMA. They locate the reclusive Herr Fucknuckle and carry him into the House. After a rousing version of ‘Like a Virgin’ he is dumped into the PM office and immediately assumes the reins of power. ABC news opens with the headline: “A triumphant return by the head of the ‘Get the GST off Tissues’ party' " and Australia celebrates a golden dawn.
Tony Abbott. The remaining independents in the house flee in the face of a speedo clad Abbott standing on top the parliamentary table and banging Sophie Mirabella. A no confidence vote is taken and then a new PM is elected by the remaining MPs who could stomach the Abbott-Mirabella performance; ie Joe Hockey. Tony wins in a landslide and Australia enters a third dark age…
And for fucks sake save us from that BA Santamaria loving fuckwit Tony Abbott.